Can somebody please fix my life for me?! I swear I am not the one that messed it up in the first place.

Things I'll need

A job: I'm a hard worker that can practically lift anything and I like power tools. You just have to check in on me and my work cause sometimes I don't know what the f i'm doing, but i'll lie and tell you that i've done it a thousand times before.

A place to stay: I'm not picky I just need a roof and a bed and a place to study and put my books.

A girlfriend : Again i'm not picky, but she'll have to be fluent in French and have a masters degree in Classic Lit. I myself don't speak French I just like the way it sounds.

Transportation: Anything with wheels and a motor will do.