I can’t sleep. Thinking on my life in bed while getting ready for a new job.
For the first 23 years of my life love was the most important thing in the world to me. I would’ve given anything for it. In fact I was so obsessed with finding it, that desire became everything I was.
At the time nothing hurt more than loneliness and I remember being so afraid of that, or rather being that way for the rest of my life. It drove me to this endless pursuit I was desperate in. Then something happened. I discovered a kind of pain that was worse than loneliness.
It was hurting those I love. Now mind you I never did that on purpose, but when I talked to women, even the ones who were interested, they always ended up feeling bad for me. I was this sad pathetic loser that they felt sorry for. They all left me because of that.
Now I know these things are more complicated than I make it sound, but at least that the common theme with all of them. Sympathy or maybe just pity. Not the most attractive way to be when people have those types of feelings for you.
Despite how happy they made me. I was never able to return the favor. I felt like the most blessed man in the world when I had their attention, but I couldn’t return even a fraction of that joy they brought me.
I realized the person I was just brought all these negative feelings to the women who meant more than life to me. That was when I knew I had to change. All I cared about was love, so I decided to give up on it. I just focus on me now and find different ways to love.
I daresay it’s worked. Now I just bring happiness to those who know me. I’ve even become a meaningful part of my community. People depend on me and I’m there for them. I mean living alone I have all the time in the world to help people so it’s not too much of a problem. It makes me happy.
Things aren’t ideal but… we all make do with what we can have and this is what I can have. The chance to make a positive difference for people instead if a negative one. That’s the blessing I’ve been given. It’s not one I always had so I make a note to be grateful for it everyday.
Life is pain you know, but I found the meaning in mine so I can manage it. There are more important things than me and whatever I wanted for myself. That much became clear when I lost everything to those wishes.
At the time nothing hurt more than loneliness and I remember being so afraid of that, or rather being that way for the rest of my life. It drove me to this endless pursuit I was desperate in. Then something happened. I discovered a kind of pain that was worse than loneliness.
It was hurting those I love. Now mind you I never did that on purpose, but when I talked to women, even the ones who were interested, they always ended up feeling bad for me. I was this sad pathetic loser that they felt sorry for. They all left me because of that.
Now I know these things are more complicated than I make it sound, but at least that the common theme with all of them. Sympathy or maybe just pity. Not the most attractive way to be when people have those types of feelings for you.
Despite how happy they made me. I was never able to return the favor. I felt like the most blessed man in the world when I had their attention, but I couldn’t return even a fraction of that joy they brought me.
I realized the person I was just brought all these negative feelings to the women who meant more than life to me. That was when I knew I had to change. All I cared about was love, so I decided to give up on it. I just focus on me now and find different ways to love.
I daresay it’s worked. Now I just bring happiness to those who know me. I’ve even become a meaningful part of my community. People depend on me and I’m there for them. I mean living alone I have all the time in the world to help people so it’s not too much of a problem. It makes me happy.
Things aren’t ideal but… we all make do with what we can have and this is what I can have. The chance to make a positive difference for people instead if a negative one. That’s the blessing I’ve been given. It’s not one I always had so I make a note to be grateful for it everyday.
Life is pain you know, but I found the meaning in mine so I can manage it. There are more important things than me and whatever I wanted for myself. That much became clear when I lost everything to those wishes.
