I Am Not Where I Wanted to Be At This Age
i'm 22 and I'm no where near where I wanted to be at this age. I had high expectations for myself and dreams but those are all long gone now. Life for me has now turned into little more than a waking dream, I do the same thing everyday and it all has so little meaning to me.
I don't know where I want to take my life, people ask me what I want to do when I leave university and I do not know what to say so I lie and I try to lie to myself that i'm still deciding when the reality is i'm not...I have no goals, no long term plans, no real future.
I'm wasting my life but I don't really know what else I can do, its easy to say to just follow your heart but our society doesn't allow for that. There is a narrow path that we all have to follow if we want to make it anywhere in this world and i've never wanted to follow it but I have.
I go to university, hell i'm doing my MA now and i've spent all this money on my tuition fees and I wonder what was the point? I can't see one, i've tried for a long time but I just can't...Once i had dreams, I used to want to be a writer, once that was all I ever wanted to do, people told me my writing was really good too. But dreams are just that dreams and life has a tendency to shatter expectations to the ground and when you wake up to the horror of your own life what are you supposed to do then?
I've lost my way...I've not written anything for a while now, nothing decent, I tell myself my university keeps me busy and its true it does but even when I get a chance to write I don't. I hate being idle but I am, procrastination is my greatest enemy and its had a hold over me for a long time now.
Before I was terrified of becoming one of those people who lost their way, who just gave up on their dreams but I feel that is what i'm becoming now, my whole life it seems has been a waste.
There is no real way out either, no switch I can just hit and turn everything around. I'm lost and alone with neither a future nor a present. I am nobody.
I don't know where I want to take my life, people ask me what I want to do when I leave university and I do not know what to say so I lie and I try to lie to myself that i'm still deciding when the reality is i'm not...I have no goals, no long term plans, no real future.
I'm wasting my life but I don't really know what else I can do, its easy to say to just follow your heart but our society doesn't allow for that. There is a narrow path that we all have to follow if we want to make it anywhere in this world and i've never wanted to follow it but I have.
I go to university, hell i'm doing my MA now and i've spent all this money on my tuition fees and I wonder what was the point? I can't see one, i've tried for a long time but I just can't...Once i had dreams, I used to want to be a writer, once that was all I ever wanted to do, people told me my writing was really good too. But dreams are just that dreams and life has a tendency to shatter expectations to the ground and when you wake up to the horror of your own life what are you supposed to do then?
I've lost my way...I've not written anything for a while now, nothing decent, I tell myself my university keeps me busy and its true it does but even when I get a chance to write I don't. I hate being idle but I am, procrastination is my greatest enemy and its had a hold over me for a long time now.
Before I was terrified of becoming one of those people who lost their way, who just gave up on their dreams but I feel that is what i'm becoming now, my whole life it seems has been a waste.
There is no real way out either, no switch I can just hit and turn everything around. I'm lost and alone with neither a future nor a present. I am nobody.
26-30, M
