See Sawing My Way Through Life
Can you see it?
The cage of invisible bars?
It's right there. All the time.
People tell me I'm crazy because they can't see it.
But It's there.
I know it's there because I'm the one that built it.
True enough that I didn't really mean to construct it.
Still results will always matter more than intentions.
Sometimes I'll come here to SW and type some words as if words are the keys that can unlock the doors to it.
Honestly though, I'm not even sure if there are doors. If there are any doors, my words are definitely not keys to them.
Perhaps, as I contemplate it all, my words might even be more bars being welded into place.
It's hard to tell.
8 months ago I was riding high. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't owe anyone a single dime. 11k in a high yield savings account. I had a lover and I was loving her. Work was going well. Life was looking up. I dared to hope and I dared further to dream.
But the cage...
The cage I continue to seem to build...
It's there and I crashed into those invisible bars of it.
Full speed and running.
Bam !
In the last 7 months, I've managed to lose my license on a bullshit reckless driving charge that cost me half my savings to fight, and I still lost the license.
Thinking I was going to win the case I went out and bought a used truck that I only got to drive for a week.
It sat in my driveway for months which expired the Lemon Law protections and when I let my daughter borrow it the transmission went. Not even 1000 miles were put on it since I bought it. My daughter also hit some shit, and I bailed her out to the tune of 6k over 3 months.
A few weeks ago, I broke up with my lover and 4 days later she sent the cops to my house in the middle of the night and told them I was suicidal. When they broke down my door and woke me up I almost attacked them.
They ended up sectioning me because they refused to accept any liability by leaving me on my own.
It didn't matter that I was fine, and sleeping. It didn't matter that this was her getting back at me. It didn't matter that there's not one documented case in the entire world of a person purposely killing themselves while they're sleeping.
It was all about the liability....
So here I am, 8 months removed from the top of the world and being debt free.
Between the truck and the hospital stay of 8 hours, I'm now almost $18,000 in debt. I have a truck that needs at least $2500 worth of repairs. And all my savings are gone.
I don't get my license back until July and I'm currently unemployed due to the cancellation of a few construction projects by the current administration that had the company I work for booked solid until next Fall. I am barely paying the bills as I ration food and refuse to use electricity as much as possible.
A cage.
It's there.
I built it and find myself living inside it somehow.
And all I can think to tell myself is that ~ It could always be worse...
The cage of invisible bars?
It's right there. All the time.
People tell me I'm crazy because they can't see it.
But It's there.
I know it's there because I'm the one that built it.
True enough that I didn't really mean to construct it.
Still results will always matter more than intentions.
Sometimes I'll come here to SW and type some words as if words are the keys that can unlock the doors to it.
Honestly though, I'm not even sure if there are doors. If there are any doors, my words are definitely not keys to them.
Perhaps, as I contemplate it all, my words might even be more bars being welded into place.
It's hard to tell.
8 months ago I was riding high. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't owe anyone a single dime. 11k in a high yield savings account. I had a lover and I was loving her. Work was going well. Life was looking up. I dared to hope and I dared further to dream.
But the cage...
The cage I continue to seem to build...
It's there and I crashed into those invisible bars of it.
Full speed and running.
Bam !
In the last 7 months, I've managed to lose my license on a bullshit reckless driving charge that cost me half my savings to fight, and I still lost the license.
Thinking I was going to win the case I went out and bought a used truck that I only got to drive for a week.
It sat in my driveway for months which expired the Lemon Law protections and when I let my daughter borrow it the transmission went. Not even 1000 miles were put on it since I bought it. My daughter also hit some shit, and I bailed her out to the tune of 6k over 3 months.
A few weeks ago, I broke up with my lover and 4 days later she sent the cops to my house in the middle of the night and told them I was suicidal. When they broke down my door and woke me up I almost attacked them.
They ended up sectioning me because they refused to accept any liability by leaving me on my own.
It didn't matter that I was fine, and sleeping. It didn't matter that this was her getting back at me. It didn't matter that there's not one documented case in the entire world of a person purposely killing themselves while they're sleeping.
It was all about the liability....
So here I am, 8 months removed from the top of the world and being debt free.
Between the truck and the hospital stay of 8 hours, I'm now almost $18,000 in debt. I have a truck that needs at least $2500 worth of repairs. And all my savings are gone.
I don't get my license back until July and I'm currently unemployed due to the cancellation of a few construction projects by the current administration that had the company I work for booked solid until next Fall. I am barely paying the bills as I ration food and refuse to use electricity as much as possible.
A cage.
It's there.
I built it and find myself living inside it somehow.
And all I can think to tell myself is that ~ It could always be worse...
