I think some of us are waiting for the bottom to fall out. To go tumbling down the well of disappointment.
Disappointment we're allegedly not supposed to feel. A double edged blade, we're told to be strong without needing anyone while being told to ask for help. Which is it? Because in my experience, there is no help. Especially not when help means trusting someone who has their own junk.
Our parents should of been there for us. There was supposed to be a safety net to catch us but there never was. And in our later years, after being strong when we should of been able to play and feel safe, we are tired. We are afraid.
Love means something different. It doesn't mean unconditional. It doesn't mean you're safe, cared for, or even actually loved. It means there's a big chance this person will abandon us. Hurt us and leave us. And why shouldn't they? We don't know what makes someone stay. Do people stay?
All these emotions swirling around, it's too chaotic for positive self talk when fear is screaming, please don't let it happen again!
I don't see a way out of this brokenness. As for me, I'm too tired for risks involving a love life. I am the safety net for my child. I tried dating, and the theme is "single mom", not "absent father". It's adult babies who want you to provide what you are most depleted of without filling you with anything but doubt.
I have no family to cry to when I get my heart broken. Nobody gives a shit about me IRL except my son and I cannot fail him. I feel like I am because I'm stuck alone. One person should not be responsible for everything, but I have no one and no community and I'm unwilling to continue trying when people can look at me struggling and still take.
I thought for sure someone would love us up. And they might have if I wasn't screwed up. So there. I don't reject people or friend zone anyone, I'm fucking scared of your shady shit. I'm scared. Brave where it counts, but not expending anymore effort into probable disappointment.
I don't know what would have to happen, or what it would take to feel safe and I'm not asking for advice. I'd rather be insulted than hear advice or the same dumb, it'll happen one day. I don't believe anymore. I believe in myself. I believe in transparency, communication and loyalty. I know the love I'm capable of, but to put it into practice is terrifying. I cannot risk any slips or falls when my son needs me. Relying on others is a privilege and most don't even realize how extremely lucky they are to even have one person, let alone more. I know people don't relate to me and the years of being alone have toughened me to an impenetrable level. Which I'm thankful for, but not proud at all...
Because truly, I'd give almost anything to lay safe in someone's arms all night. To feel warm. To trust. However I don't spend time on such dreams. There is no room for such weakness in my story.
That's how it is.
Our parents should of been there for us. There was supposed to be a safety net to catch us but there never was. And in our later years, after being strong when we should of been able to play and feel safe, we are tired. We are afraid.
Love means something different. It doesn't mean unconditional. It doesn't mean you're safe, cared for, or even actually loved. It means there's a big chance this person will abandon us. Hurt us and leave us. And why shouldn't they? We don't know what makes someone stay. Do people stay?
All these emotions swirling around, it's too chaotic for positive self talk when fear is screaming, please don't let it happen again!
I don't see a way out of this brokenness. As for me, I'm too tired for risks involving a love life. I am the safety net for my child. I tried dating, and the theme is "single mom", not "absent father". It's adult babies who want you to provide what you are most depleted of without filling you with anything but doubt.
I have no family to cry to when I get my heart broken. Nobody gives a shit about me IRL except my son and I cannot fail him. I feel like I am because I'm stuck alone. One person should not be responsible for everything, but I have no one and no community and I'm unwilling to continue trying when people can look at me struggling and still take.
I thought for sure someone would love us up. And they might have if I wasn't screwed up. So there. I don't reject people or friend zone anyone, I'm fucking scared of your shady shit. I'm scared. Brave where it counts, but not expending anymore effort into probable disappointment.
I don't know what would have to happen, or what it would take to feel safe and I'm not asking for advice. I'd rather be insulted than hear advice or the same dumb, it'll happen one day. I don't believe anymore. I believe in myself. I believe in transparency, communication and loyalty. I know the love I'm capable of, but to put it into practice is terrifying. I cannot risk any slips or falls when my son needs me. Relying on others is a privilege and most don't even realize how extremely lucky they are to even have one person, let alone more. I know people don't relate to me and the years of being alone have toughened me to an impenetrable level. Which I'm thankful for, but not proud at all...
Because truly, I'd give almost anything to lay safe in someone's arms all night. To feel warm. To trust. However I don't spend time on such dreams. There is no room for such weakness in my story.
That's how it is.
