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I Have a Confession

I needed to get this off my chest, so, here I go.

I met someone I felt an immediate connection with in late 2016, on a website not even meant for meeting people. We weren’t even using it for the intended purpose, it was cards against humanity online and we were role playing in the global chat. We probably wouldn’t have even started talking if not for so many moments of pure luck. I decided, at the day and time I first encountered him, when I had been on the same server for about a month, to switch servers for the hell of it. We were six hours apart, the chances of us being online at a similar time were slim as is. It took a weird conversation that I happened to arrive for for us to even have a real conversation of our own...and that was the day I decided I was in love. I was head over heels for this boy I’d never met before, who’s face I had never seen. The first time I saw him over video chat was magic. I’ve never looked into someone’s eyes and felt the way I did then. I melted. Those feelings only grew and kept building, up until the day I asked him who his biggest crush was and he said it was me.

That set off the best two years of my life. Two years of messaging back and forth, video chats, texting, pictures, videos, sneaking off to bathrooms to whisper into the microphone at night, hiding phones when we were meant to be grounded, a proposal, planning when we would meet, saving up...and then he left. He thought it would be better, for me, for him, with the distance and how two years had led to no in person contact. Luck was on my side again that summer. Approximately three months later, I checked Skype by chance. I hadn’t used it in three months, I had no reason to. He was online, and within minutes a part of my life again. It didn’t take long for us to properly get back together, this time with the intention of staying that way. I was going to get a job. We were going to save up. I’d come see him that summer. We’d both go through college, seeing each other as often as possible in between. We’d get married. We’d grow old together.

I ruined everything.

I did something I had said my whole life was a disgusting thing to do. That I had no idea how someone could do it. That I’d never do it. That if you love someone, you should never do that to them.
I cheated on the most perfect person in the world. The person who was my whole world.

And I left, within minutes of confessing.

I’ve checked Skype every day since. I contacted a friend of his to check up on him. I made my online status invisible so I can read what he sends but never let him know. I want him to move on. I want him to be happy.

The only way I could ever let myself talk to him again is face to face. For a proper apology. I wouldn’t care if he screamed, if he hit me, if I didn’t survive the encounter. I don’t care about myself at all anymore. It’s been five months and I’ve barely eaten, slept, or done much of anything. When I do sleep I have nightmares, and when I do eat I feel sick. I’ve lost weight and I wobble when I stand. I feel disgusting. And yet I don’t really care. I’m not sure I would care if a bus hit me tomorrow. Or if I died in my sleep tonight. All I want is for him to be happy. To take back the pain I caused him. I want to fix everything I’ve done.

But here I am, lying beside the person I cheated with (asleep). Here I am, acting like everything’s peachy keen and I’m not still drowning in the guilt of the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Here I am, for once forced to face the consequences of my actions and wishing I hadn’t acted.

Here I am, alone in the dark, wishing I could take it all back.

I love him. So much. I never stopped. I’m well aware I’m a piece of shit. Anyone who wants to comment pointing it out is free to do so, but I’m well aware. But I’m a piece of shit who really, although I had a terrible way of showing it, loves that man with every fiber of my being and just hopes that he’s ok and can move on. I just hope he can find someone who’ll treat him better than I did. That he can live a happy life without me. That he’ll be ok and loved and get everything he deserves because he deserves everything.

Well, this is getting obscenely long, but there’s that off my chest. The worst thing I’ve ever done.
Paliglass · 41-45, F
I read it all. You was online, everyone has needs, yes ideally you would stay true to your word if you agreed to not see anyone else.

You were so close to meeting him though it seems like self sabotage.

Like maybe you felt you didn't deserve him or you felt frightened.

It's not fair on the guy next to you either. Really you need to end things with him too.
Paliglass · 41-45, F
@Eggpants how did you go from "I'm getting on a plane" to "I am stuck with a guy I just met" sounds like you just met him.
Eggpants · 18-21, F
@Paliglass The “getting on a plane” was never solid, we never saved up enough on either end. I explained how I got from one point to another in my post, this took place over a total of about three years. I didn’t just meet the guy, we were friends through a class we both took for some time before the cheating took place and afterwards I ended up moving in with him for home life reasons I’d prefer to not disclose.
Eggpants · 18-21, F
@Paliglass Sorry if I came off as defensive, it just seemed you were under the impression that this was all a recent development.
User41 · 36-40, M
Best answer to the first person who reads all that
Eggpants · 18-21, F
@User41 Fair, I didn’t so much expect many people to read all of it as “I have to get this out somewhere besides privately”.

 
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