I Have A Confession To Make

I feel like my relationship with my husband isn't bad, but it's missing something.
Or maybe it isn't and I am just expecting too much.

I've learned that I desperately wish I could feel warmth and affection. But sometimes when my spouse touches me I push him away, because I need space.

I don't understand what the deal is. I really want to be close to him, but there's something blocking that and always has. And I don't know what it is or how to get rid of that.

At times I wonder if it is from learned experience. When I let myself be vulnerable with him in the past he had little interest.

My first serious relationship was with a boy in high school. Some would say he was possessive.

I am not sure what exactly I crave in this relationship now. But I think a lot of it involves wishing I could freely express myself and receive understanding and comfort if I need it.

Part of me feels that I may be too needy to let myself be emotional with my spouse. He doesn't have much interest in my feelings about things.

I understand the male brain functions differently then females.
I don't want to drive him crazy.
I stay silent unless it's about responsibilities or the kid.

But I feel short changed. Maybe I'm just needy.