😙💨📔 Old notebook entries December 2014 Twelve years later and im still stuck in the same shit💩
There's a laughter that comes with madness, the aloneness. The bitter sweet madness of all the things that could have been all of our memories together, of our childhood, our adulthood, and of our falling apart. The impossible situations of our adulthood were we once Happy? Was there ever a time where we wanted to be together.
It's hard always feeling this way. I feel like I am drowning. There's so much that I want to accomplish, but would it be worth it? Time, time is the tide that I'm swimming against. I am flailing my arms and kicking. My body feels so weak. My muscles are sore and I'm wondering can I even swim. Do I even know how to swim. Just as the def man doesn't have the ability to hear do I even have the ability to swim. Not through any fault of our own we were just born unlucky.
I come to you in humble prayer In these words I ask please God just be there Be there when ma isn't well Be there when I'm dope sick & fearing hell Be there when my father wont answer me Be there when my family ups and leaves me Be there because I don't believe you are Be there because father said you were Be here now that i’m to going straight Be here now because I’m turning around at the gate Be there when I finally have the courage to say I cannot go through this alone
⤴ This actually turned into a poem and I put it in pink because I wrote it on the paper in pink pen for some reason.
Staring out the window
Snow flakes fall on every state of being from the middle aged mother with her frizzy unkempt hair and manic facial expressions
to the well to do business man with his superfluous suits and alcoholism
from the street child throwing a snowball in the air to the drug addicted adolescent walking the frozen streets.
I don't have a problem or anything going out with you as long as we stay away from the bar. It's getting kind of like when you go to a couple of birthday parties and have ice cream and cake and all of a sudden you are eating ice cream and cake every day and then you realize, Oh my God I might die of diabetes if I don't stop!
But I'd love to take you out for a beer sometime
I hate waiting, it seems like I am standing still, but still moving. No! I am standing still but Time is moving. I just go to work come home, go to work,come home, go to work come home, go to work, come…mom is dead. I'm Lost. I just want something before everything is nothing.
Things aren't going well so I have to change
No more will I go out and get drunk NO more will I be lazy at work No more will I make dumb decisions No more will I waste money No more will I hate myself No more will I disappoint my parents No more will I just let time slip away I am the only person that I'll ever be I hate me and I have to stop How to get life back on track
You will keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over again until you learn whatever lesson you are supposed to learn, so if something is not working the only thing you can do is to do something that you have never done before, you need to make a change by doing something different, one small difference each day eventually adds up where you can look back and see the results without releasing it instead of being "stuck"
@AbsolutelyFabulous My problem now is some of these a-holes are stalking me it's the employees from the notebook that I'm talking about. They are having people do say and act like them. I really do have people stalking and harassing and I don't know why people are going along with it or why I have to live with it.
@AbsolutelyFabulous I have I changed states. I went to HR at the job I'm at and they are acting like it's my fault that I don't want to work in that environment. They wanted me to take a drug test. Which I'm fine with cause I don't do drugs and I've never pissed dirty.
