Ah, just more o the usual
The more years I have behind me, the more I think of us all as an accumulation of moments. Sitting in a car wash, watching the swirly sudsy patterns slide down the windshield, I thought of my mother. When I think of her, I don’t see one face. She’s become this flickering image of every face she ever had that I’ve seen. The toddler, the schoolgirl, the young woman with the bouffant hair, the young mother of the 70’s with the long long straight brown hair we used to brush, those middle years that lasted a couple decades where she seemed to change little, and then the slow changes of disease that would shock with too long between visits. And the last face that I wish I’d understood was going to be the last face. Some of her moments were taking me through the car wash we called the jungle because I thought it was so fun. One could think in a whole storybook, that sort of thing shouldn’t even merit a word, but I don’t think there is such a thing. She went through that car wash because it made me happy. That was part of who she was, and that never left me. I can still see the jungle. I can still see that young mother smiling at me. Nothing is inconsequential really. Everything we do is because of who we are, part of who we are, and who we are touches so many others. I haven’t liked a lot of my own faces, been ashamed of how clueless and slow I’ve been, but I needed to go through those to get to this one. This one is at peace. This one is valued, enjoyed, loved. Still a clueless blob of molasses a lot of the time, but at least I’m aware of it now. I can live with that. I can work with that. I don’t need to be perfect. Maybe I’ve accumulated the moments I needed to in order to say that - I don’t need to be perfect. I can remember all of this is just a beautiful loan. My dad says sometimes it’s been a fun life. He hasn’t had a boring face in the lot, and many have seen struggle, but he can say that with satisfaction. I don’t think he ever saw anything as inconsequential, and I hope I’ve finally begun to catch up.
