Just one o those things

I’m a lucky so-and-so. I’ve grown into my life to such a degree that I rarely feel discontented. When I do, I’m pretty sure it’s just hormones - mine or his. 😂 My circle is small, but generally warm and comfortable. Most of my days quiet and peaceful. I still hear echoes now and then of old wishes, though, and like how different they sound with these new ears. I had one of those the weekend of the wedding, and it’s still here bouncing around happily. I spent most of my life wishing I came from a big close family. Belonged to and with so many people I could feel that safety in numbers. I don’t know where it came from really. There’s always been loneliness here, but even in company, it’s not like I prefer to be in the center of things. Not like the noise and those numbers wouldn’t wear on me pretty quickly. Well, I’ve wished for a lot of things that weren’t exactly sensible. I suppose it’s not a requirement. But I wander, as usual. We were driving through the countryside the day before, on our way to rehearsal. It was an hour and a half away. I felt them like we were all sliding down spokes to the center of the same wheel. Pictured them all on other roads, in other cars. Visions of the same destination in all our heads, the same lightness and happy anticipation in our hearts. My little circle felt bigger, closer. I was reminded of old wishes and another reason we call these occasions special. They are a concentrated dose of what defines us, for better or for worse. What defines us is love, acceptance, selflessness, sincerity. Mom was even there, carried in a locket attached to her granddaughter’s bouquet. The other side of the aisle had a lot more numbers, but rather than safety, there was pain, disappointment, frustration, and drama. We were the solace. A concentrated dose of us is better, not worse, and it doesn’t matter how much our numbers dwindle or how far we scatter because we hold each other close and no one’s ever really gone. It had been a while since I’d wished for that big family. I never will again now. There’s this sensation of having laid an old beloved little pet to rest in a shoebox in the corner of the backyard. LOL I haven’t changed entirely after all. There’s my image, and there’s my closure and another drop of peace. 😌💕