Dear diary...
It’s a holiday. The sky is cloudy and rainy, and every now and then the distant sound of thunder cuts through the silence of the house. This is probably the best kind of setting I could ask for.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve loved cloudy days, especially rainy ones. It feels as though everything is temporarily set to “not too serious.” As if, somehow, everything will turn out fine in the end as long as the sky is cloudy.
I’ve liked my day so far.
Enough sleep, breakfast, some shopping, a walk in the rain, and then a feel-good movie, like *The Holiday*.
Still, there’s something lingering at the back of my mind, quietly nagging at me. Maybe it’s all the things I’ve left undone, or maybe it’s all the lives I haven’t lived. I don’t know which.
Lately, I feel like people are drifting away from me—my friends, and the people I keep trying to hold on to and keep in my life.
It’s as though some invisible notice has been pinned to my forehead saying that I don’t want to see them anymore, and one by one, they leave my life.
I really don’t want to be alone, but I don’t have the mental capacity for too much social interaction. It feels as though whenever I spend time with someone, they feed on my brain. Maybe this very behavior of mine is what has made people move farther and farther away from me.
Last night, I dreamed again that I had gone to Egypt. But I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck in a hotel, and no one was going to come with me to see the pyramids.
I’ve had this dream several times now: I’m there, but I can’t do anything. I don’t know anyone, and even when I do know someone, they either don’t recognize me or pretend not to.
Anyway, it wasn’t a good dream.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve loved cloudy days, especially rainy ones. It feels as though everything is temporarily set to “not too serious.” As if, somehow, everything will turn out fine in the end as long as the sky is cloudy.
I’ve liked my day so far.
Enough sleep, breakfast, some shopping, a walk in the rain, and then a feel-good movie, like *The Holiday*.
Still, there’s something lingering at the back of my mind, quietly nagging at me. Maybe it’s all the things I’ve left undone, or maybe it’s all the lives I haven’t lived. I don’t know which.
Lately, I feel like people are drifting away from me—my friends, and the people I keep trying to hold on to and keep in my life.
It’s as though some invisible notice has been pinned to my forehead saying that I don’t want to see them anymore, and one by one, they leave my life.
I really don’t want to be alone, but I don’t have the mental capacity for too much social interaction. It feels as though whenever I spend time with someone, they feed on my brain. Maybe this very behavior of mine is what has made people move farther and farther away from me.
Last night, I dreamed again that I had gone to Egypt. But I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck in a hotel, and no one was going to come with me to see the pyramids.
I’ve had this dream several times now: I’m there, but I can’t do anything. I don’t know anyone, and even when I do know someone, they either don’t recognize me or pretend not to.
Anyway, it wasn’t a good dream.
31-35, F
