Spin the wheel

It was a lovely day here today. One of those days where the breeze is just the right temperature to feel like a soft caress, know what I mean? And also inspire poetical descriptions. 😂 We usually do weekly shopping together on Saturdays, but this Saturday we went to visit Dad, and then Sunday we went to tour the wedding venue, so today we both did our separate things and I was out and about alone. I love it here. Curvy roads and wooded hills. They make me happy, but they also make me take stock for some reason. Who are you now? Who have you been all these years happily traversing this hill, and who might you become? Makes me think of other thoughts on other drives. Today was a nice one. I’m happy. Just happy. Kind of obnoxiously so, really. I can say because of this or that, but that’s not it. That’s not what I mean. There are different kinds of happy. There are things right now that I’m enjoying, but I’d be happy without them. Or I should say I’m the kind of happy that would create something to take their place. I am that happy that wraps itself around the bones like shiny ribbons and glows inside there regardless of what’s happening on the surface. For a long time, I thought I was incapable of this anymore. I thought I had come to a place in life where it wasn’t possible to fly anymore. Like Icarus getting too close to the sun. Enough years of life show you too much, weigh you down so you can never quite feel that bright bubbly joy because you’re too aware of its transience, too aware of too much sadness, too much worry, too little hope. I thought the only comfort left to me was the reverse of that … “this too shall pass.” There will be another good moment, another heartbreaking beauty. I wonder how old I’ll be before I just quit wasting time thinking I’ve ever figured anything out. 😂 Life is apparently not done with me yet. I’ve always just sort of fumbled along, reached a limit, and suddenly changed. It takes years, but it’s always a shock when it happens, how easily those changes come. It happened when I took my first serious steps into adulthood, when I quit smoking, when I started paying attention to my health, when my children outgrew me, and here we are again. The dummy crashed into the wall and got another makeover. Can it be that my head just knows when I’ve reached a limit and just… shifts? That’s what it feels like, but I don’t expect I’ll ever know. Could be some kind of personality disorder that happens to work in my favor. 😂 Can’t say I care and don’t think it matters. I’m just pitifully grateful. I missed this somethin fierce.