We all take hits in life and sometimes one person is responsible for so many of them it's hard to forget.
In time pain fades, but the person who caused it will remain in amazement that you had an issue with their treatment at all. It's when you have to walk away from someone, or surrender your happiness forever to maintain their delusions.
He still tries to contact me, as if nothing happened. All the good I saw in him was a performance led by his seemingly forgetful mind. When I know the truth, he doesn't really care.
All the mornings I woke, after giving him endless passion, waiting for anything from him and instead going forward without touch, without warmth, often without even a hello.
Being deprioritized while others skip in the line of his attentions. My loving words and caring attentions turning cold and stale.
The fragments of his persona shattered and piercing, bleeding. While he's run off to do what he wants to do. Unspoken he says, clean up your mess and don't need me even if I caused it...
Then what should I have you for?
There is nothing left if he doesn't reciprocate, because he does not give. I was inside out depleted. He knew. And still he took. And took. And his anger was all he was except what he faked. It was disgusting. He discarded anyone who saw through him and accentuated the people who treated him poorly but had status. The cool kids that wouldn't be cool if they didn't have their safety net of as sho les clapping for each other.
That painful chapter is closing which is so positive, but the truth is there is much to heal. I have been patient with the process and believe I have entered anger. But this is good. This i can learn from so I don't let it happen.
Spending time around an instinctually inept person messed with my instincts. Because that's what his kind do. Very little yet still make it to the top. They rely on the safety of other jerks who are willing to do and support bad things to make it seem okay, even good.
So I am repairing my instincts as well.
And I'm learning to adjust my limits like a soundboard because it is okay for me to need safety.
It is the biggest thing he constantly denied me and told me was too much.
It is okay to want safety and say goodbye to people who won't/can't be a safe person for you.
And wow am I relieved I dislodged that leech from my soul.
Fuck you Kyle.
He still tries to contact me, as if nothing happened. All the good I saw in him was a performance led by his seemingly forgetful mind. When I know the truth, he doesn't really care.
All the mornings I woke, after giving him endless passion, waiting for anything from him and instead going forward without touch, without warmth, often without even a hello.
Being deprioritized while others skip in the line of his attentions. My loving words and caring attentions turning cold and stale.
The fragments of his persona shattered and piercing, bleeding. While he's run off to do what he wants to do. Unspoken he says, clean up your mess and don't need me even if I caused it...
Then what should I have you for?
There is nothing left if he doesn't reciprocate, because he does not give. I was inside out depleted. He knew. And still he took. And took. And his anger was all he was except what he faked. It was disgusting. He discarded anyone who saw through him and accentuated the people who treated him poorly but had status. The cool kids that wouldn't be cool if they didn't have their safety net of as sho les clapping for each other.
That painful chapter is closing which is so positive, but the truth is there is much to heal. I have been patient with the process and believe I have entered anger. But this is good. This i can learn from so I don't let it happen.
Spending time around an instinctually inept person messed with my instincts. Because that's what his kind do. Very little yet still make it to the top. They rely on the safety of other jerks who are willing to do and support bad things to make it seem okay, even good.
So I am repairing my instincts as well.
And I'm learning to adjust my limits like a soundboard because it is okay for me to need safety.
It is the biggest thing he constantly denied me and told me was too much.
It is okay to want safety and say goodbye to people who won't/can't be a safe person for you.
And wow am I relieved I dislodged that leech from my soul.
Fuck you Kyle.
