I don't know how or why, but I stopped being able to be deeply invested in anything and have drive as a teen, and I can't get it back.
I'm guessing it's because of the many times I tried hard and failed miserably, and learned that effort often has no reward, and also that I was groomed to believe I had all of this shit wrong with me and was never going to be able to be successful. Now, I believe it deep down, even though everyone in my family is mad and resentful towards me for still believing it, because "it's obviously not true." I don't know how to shake it. I don't feel like I've ever accomplished anything on my own in my life.
I've never had hard effort pay off, either, or if it did, it was so brief and short lived that it wasn't worth the long and exhausting effort.
So, my brain, at some point, turned off the ability to be able to really invest and put a lot of effort into anything, and to have drive. I really think any chance of me having drive again is over. I also just don't think there's anything in life that is worth trying to fight this for. Life is exhausting enough as it is. I am tired of having to try to undo all of the damage that was done when I was a teen and told I was basically mentally challenged, incapable of success, would always need to be taken care of, was not as capable as others, etc. I've been trying to undo it for 12 years now, and I've barely had any progress. That's too long to be fighting something with little to no reward for it. Now I'm stuck in a miserable dump of a town, in a job I hate, with very little I enjoy. I feel like I'm stuck here, because I was terrible in school and pretty much just gave up long before I even graduated high school, and I can't get the drive to be able to invest in trying to find a new career to be able to afford to move somewhere better.
I've never had hard effort pay off, either, or if it did, it was so brief and short lived that it wasn't worth the long and exhausting effort.
So, my brain, at some point, turned off the ability to be able to really invest and put a lot of effort into anything, and to have drive. I really think any chance of me having drive again is over. I also just don't think there's anything in life that is worth trying to fight this for. Life is exhausting enough as it is. I am tired of having to try to undo all of the damage that was done when I was a teen and told I was basically mentally challenged, incapable of success, would always need to be taken care of, was not as capable as others, etc. I've been trying to undo it for 12 years now, and I've barely had any progress. That's too long to be fighting something with little to no reward for it. Now I'm stuck in a miserable dump of a town, in a job I hate, with very little I enjoy. I feel like I'm stuck here, because I was terrible in school and pretty much just gave up long before I even graduated high school, and I can't get the drive to be able to invest in trying to find a new career to be able to afford to move somewhere better.
26-30, F
