I think it's safe to say I was involved with someone who had a lot of narcissistic traits.
With this big distance between us and so little contact, I find my nervous system is finally relaxing. I realize I was so tied to understanding him and managing his emotions, which were all over the place.
I would cry and he would put his hands in his pockets. Or he'd get mad at me. He would never try to understand but he would always tell me he understood. Even when it was about parenting (which he isn't), even about cervical cancer (which he definitely couldn't understand). He would go cold whenever I truly needed someone to the point when I went through the losses I have with him in my life, I kept him away.
We were never close. In 6-7 years, he was never my person. I couldn't trust him with anything of mine because he would make it about him. No matter what it was, the conversation would shift back to him. If I trusted him with any responsibility of mine he would either hurt it, forget it or make it about him.
There was no room for me with his monumental ego between us and that somehow was always my fault. Not because I couldn't get through to him, because it bothered him I had feelings at all.
One of the last things he tried to explain to me was that I had too many needs 😂 I'm so low maintenance in relationships and he was upset that I needed things like touch and communication. The same things he'd say he wanted so bad to give me but I pushed him away. I only pushed him away after years of getting no touch or reciprocation and having my feelings turned into me trying to manipulate him.
That's right, I had feelings to hurt him then denied him the ability to comfort me 🙄 But the reality was he would do/say something mean and I would react. I would explain my feelings and ask him not to do/say hurtful things and if it really hurt me his body language would shut me down.
He would yell, throw things, call me names, accuse, lie, blame and give me the silent treatment. The ways he hurt me were brutal.
His favorite was to exclude me from things. He would only invite me to things last minute knowing with a child it's a lot harder to be spontaneous. Then make me feel bad for "never" showing up.
He would get invited to things and go without me because he assumed I wouldn't go. He didn't give me a chance. He would tell me his friends didn't invite me because I didn't spend enough time with them but his friends were mean to my kid when I did used to show up. His friends would insult my clothes, my job, they would be rude about their opinions. His friends were jerks to him especially and he always chose them first even when he told me I was his priority.
He would say that and take it back all the time. He loved to wait until I was trying to be nice and care for his ever shifting mood from grumpy to full on selfish jerk, to tell me I wasn't his priority. Then later be apologetic and fake sweet telling me I am a priority.
He never once made any sense to me.
The biggest thing is that my nervous system got tied to understanding and trying to help with his mood swings. They were not gentle. He often got in disputes and sometimes fights with people at his work over what seemed to me like dumb stuff you'd normally just let go. I saw him get fired from jobs for lying and stealing. He would lie like it was normal to lie and then expect me to trust him.
It got so exhausting and so boring trying to be a part of his world. Making him happy was impossible. It stressed me out endlessly. Everything was intermittent. From affection to sex to caring, safety was out of the question. It annoyed him to no end I didn't feel safe with him. Even when he flirted with other women in front of me. Whatever hurt me was irrelevant. Whatever I felt didn't matter. All the mattered was that "he didn't mean it" when I know damn well he was constantly butthurt. One time he even admitted he had tantrums about hang nails and dropping things.
I don't know what his problems were/are and I realized our connection was SO much work for me. It was draining. And I don't think he wanted me in particular, I was just the only one who put up with him and he didn't want to be alone.
He said and did things to me you just don't say/do to someone you care about. The constant back and forth and up and down of his moods, his accusations, his way of viewing the world was a disaster built solely on a kind of negativity that stains the spirit of anyone involved.
Sex is what kept us attached until I couldn't keep pretending it was sexy how much work I had to put in and then he'd get upset with me because I wanted him to cum.
It was absolute insanity what I was accused of when I was trying so hard to make him happy and feel good.
I'm just ready to admit I was putting up with someone who was never going to change like he promised over and over.
Who the hell knows where his mind was. All I know is I don't care anymore. I still find myself automatically trying to translate him or something that happened between us. It's going to take some time to retrain my brain from thinking, what's wrong, to instead, making myself safe.
Because I am safe.
I'm actually doing really well. I have my issues but I have the means to solve them. I have a home, clean air and water, food, comfy beds to sleep, heating and cooling, fluffy towels and running car and a child who is incredible. A dog that never lets me out of his sight and I have a magical way about me that has unfortunately been crushed, but I'm stronger than some dude's ego. I'm stronger and more honest than mind games and sour puss men who think the world is out to get them.
I have to retrain my brain. But I will not beat myself up for loving someone bad. I loved my father who was a bad man, I wouldn't call it a flaw or stupidity, but rather having an enormous capacity to love, understand and accept people.
BUT I need to be wise about where I spend my energy and to who I give my love.
I am beautiful. I feel very ugly right now. Pain and sadness have taken their toll but I can get back to myself. Without the man that took years of my life and snuffed out my magic with his selfish whims.
It's like breaking a bad habit. But it did get so bad in the end, it doesn't hurt to lose him. It is a relief.
IDC if people read this and think I'm stupid or need to make better choices. This is my life, I've done my best and I'm accountable for participating in learning lessons I should of been taught by supportive elders I just didn't have.
I just need to talk about it. I need it outside of myself so I feel real. So I can move on.
I'm looking forward to getting myself back on track to the good things I deserve.
I never was super lovable or approachable so I think romance just needs to get to the back of the line. There's so much good I can do and I'll never waste on someone's ego again.
I'll never be intimidated by a man's love again. Probably because a man will never love me again 😂 but nonetheless, I'll be safe 🖤
I would cry and he would put his hands in his pockets. Or he'd get mad at me. He would never try to understand but he would always tell me he understood. Even when it was about parenting (which he isn't), even about cervical cancer (which he definitely couldn't understand). He would go cold whenever I truly needed someone to the point when I went through the losses I have with him in my life, I kept him away.
We were never close. In 6-7 years, he was never my person. I couldn't trust him with anything of mine because he would make it about him. No matter what it was, the conversation would shift back to him. If I trusted him with any responsibility of mine he would either hurt it, forget it or make it about him.
There was no room for me with his monumental ego between us and that somehow was always my fault. Not because I couldn't get through to him, because it bothered him I had feelings at all.
One of the last things he tried to explain to me was that I had too many needs 😂 I'm so low maintenance in relationships and he was upset that I needed things like touch and communication. The same things he'd say he wanted so bad to give me but I pushed him away. I only pushed him away after years of getting no touch or reciprocation and having my feelings turned into me trying to manipulate him.
That's right, I had feelings to hurt him then denied him the ability to comfort me 🙄 But the reality was he would do/say something mean and I would react. I would explain my feelings and ask him not to do/say hurtful things and if it really hurt me his body language would shut me down.
He would yell, throw things, call me names, accuse, lie, blame and give me the silent treatment. The ways he hurt me were brutal.
His favorite was to exclude me from things. He would only invite me to things last minute knowing with a child it's a lot harder to be spontaneous. Then make me feel bad for "never" showing up.
He would get invited to things and go without me because he assumed I wouldn't go. He didn't give me a chance. He would tell me his friends didn't invite me because I didn't spend enough time with them but his friends were mean to my kid when I did used to show up. His friends would insult my clothes, my job, they would be rude about their opinions. His friends were jerks to him especially and he always chose them first even when he told me I was his priority.
He would say that and take it back all the time. He loved to wait until I was trying to be nice and care for his ever shifting mood from grumpy to full on selfish jerk, to tell me I wasn't his priority. Then later be apologetic and fake sweet telling me I am a priority.
He never once made any sense to me.
The biggest thing is that my nervous system got tied to understanding and trying to help with his mood swings. They were not gentle. He often got in disputes and sometimes fights with people at his work over what seemed to me like dumb stuff you'd normally just let go. I saw him get fired from jobs for lying and stealing. He would lie like it was normal to lie and then expect me to trust him.
It got so exhausting and so boring trying to be a part of his world. Making him happy was impossible. It stressed me out endlessly. Everything was intermittent. From affection to sex to caring, safety was out of the question. It annoyed him to no end I didn't feel safe with him. Even when he flirted with other women in front of me. Whatever hurt me was irrelevant. Whatever I felt didn't matter. All the mattered was that "he didn't mean it" when I know damn well he was constantly butthurt. One time he even admitted he had tantrums about hang nails and dropping things.
I don't know what his problems were/are and I realized our connection was SO much work for me. It was draining. And I don't think he wanted me in particular, I was just the only one who put up with him and he didn't want to be alone.
He said and did things to me you just don't say/do to someone you care about. The constant back and forth and up and down of his moods, his accusations, his way of viewing the world was a disaster built solely on a kind of negativity that stains the spirit of anyone involved.
Sex is what kept us attached until I couldn't keep pretending it was sexy how much work I had to put in and then he'd get upset with me because I wanted him to cum.
It was absolute insanity what I was accused of when I was trying so hard to make him happy and feel good.
I'm just ready to admit I was putting up with someone who was never going to change like he promised over and over.
Who the hell knows where his mind was. All I know is I don't care anymore. I still find myself automatically trying to translate him or something that happened between us. It's going to take some time to retrain my brain from thinking, what's wrong, to instead, making myself safe.
Because I am safe.
I'm actually doing really well. I have my issues but I have the means to solve them. I have a home, clean air and water, food, comfy beds to sleep, heating and cooling, fluffy towels and running car and a child who is incredible. A dog that never lets me out of his sight and I have a magical way about me that has unfortunately been crushed, but I'm stronger than some dude's ego. I'm stronger and more honest than mind games and sour puss men who think the world is out to get them.
I have to retrain my brain. But I will not beat myself up for loving someone bad. I loved my father who was a bad man, I wouldn't call it a flaw or stupidity, but rather having an enormous capacity to love, understand and accept people.
BUT I need to be wise about where I spend my energy and to who I give my love.
I am beautiful. I feel very ugly right now. Pain and sadness have taken their toll but I can get back to myself. Without the man that took years of my life and snuffed out my magic with his selfish whims.
It's like breaking a bad habit. But it did get so bad in the end, it doesn't hurt to lose him. It is a relief.
IDC if people read this and think I'm stupid or need to make better choices. This is my life, I've done my best and I'm accountable for participating in learning lessons I should of been taught by supportive elders I just didn't have.
I just need to talk about it. I need it outside of myself so I feel real. So I can move on.
I'm looking forward to getting myself back on track to the good things I deserve.
I never was super lovable or approachable so I think romance just needs to get to the back of the line. There's so much good I can do and I'll never waste on someone's ego again.
I'll never be intimidated by a man's love again. Probably because a man will never love me again 😂 but nonetheless, I'll be safe 🖤
41-45, F
