I have disabilities, am on welfare benefits, and feel pessimistic about life

I feel conflicted. On the one hand it’s a way to have a guaranteed safety net and it brings subsidized housing where I only have to pay up to about one third of what I make on rent and utilities and it also enables me to have government health insurance. My parents think I should keep my disability SSI since they fought years for me to get it. It is guaranteed income. I have anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and schizophrenia which I have been medicated for so my depression and schizophrenia are more under control. They say I can work part time to supplement my disability income. I checked you can’t make more than about $1,500-$1,600 dollars per month on top of disability before it gets cut off. I also feel partially negative about being on disability as I will have to depend on the government for the rest of my life and have my financial accounts closely monitored I cannot have more than $2,000 dollars in the bank I will stay poor on supplemental security income and by itself it’s not enough to live off of. My parents are thinking of putting together a disability trust for me. I also just feel like a drain on society since I am living at the taxpayers expense. The same way besides my disability benefits I am living at my parents expense. I feel like part of the reason I couldn’t keep a job was because those jobs were bad matches for my personality, life goals, preferences, and my temperament minus the pet sitting which ended because one dog I watched died from getting run over by a car one day ( not on my watch but poor cooper) And two other clients just no longer needed my services when they had family come back to live close to them who could take care of their dogs for free. I feel like I really screwed up. I became depressed and stopped caring about my classes at university when I felt lonely and socially and academically disengaged so I got put on academic probation and before I could go back for the next academic year, I dropped out. If I stayed in school with my original degree plan I would have been working as a translator later on. I should have never switched from foreign languages to psychology major. I partially made poor choices like taking a year off school after getting my associates degree at community college. The jobs were minimum wage unskilled jobs that didn’t play to my strengths. I feel partially like a drain on society. I don’t think I can handle working full time without burning out 40 or more hours per week. But I feel like I should be able to get by on a career path that’s no more than 20-25 hours per week or its equivalent. The very most 30 hours which could be five days a week six hours a day. If I get off disability I will have to pay for my own health insurance. And probably could not afford to live. I feel as though I should be able to be self- sufficient and provide for myself. I have yet to finish my vocational courses with certificates of completion and diplomas that I got stuck on and did not finish. If I finish these courses I would get basic skills that could lead to some form of part time freelance self-employment. If I finish other vocational training on top of these I would have several skills to make money. And on top of that I wanted to finish my university degrees and go back to school so I could learn and have a part time career. My dad said he can’t see me working full time. I would be up the shit creek if I lost my benefits. I feel like I would be stuck in a catch 22 where I could probably make more than disability allows but not enough to be comfortable and not struggle. Even people who are making $100, 000 a year are having trouble making ends meet because the cost of living is so high. So for health insurance I would need to be a full time employee. If not I would have to pay for my own medical/vision/dental etc. and that’s hundreds of dollars per month. Even if I scaled back my expenses, I would still probably struggle. I feel trapped in a way. It seems like the system is meant to punish you for getting off disability and instead of slowly transitioning you out on a sliding scale they just immediately cut off your benefits. I mean I can take some services like vocational rehabilitation to help pay for university ( if my college choice was in state) and to help pay for more vocational courses in addition to scholarships and Pell grants. My parents tell me I didn’t ask to be mentally disabled so I should keep my disability benefits and I am not the only one on disability. Many people need it for various types of disabilities: mental, physical, ( including brain damage) developmental, and intellectual. I will always need some form of support to help me live like a caseworker . I just wish there was more economic security in this country for those who are vulnerable. Being on disability gives me a form of rent control. Otherwise I would not be able to afford the crazy rent and mortgage prices and would not be rented to because I don’t even have a credit history. I just wish I didn’t let my life turn out like this. If it hadn’t been for my family I would have been out on the streets a long time ago. I just feel trapped and dissatisfied. But at the same time, when I’m under the protection of my family, I feel aggravated for them making rude comments about my clothing and being critical and controlling of how I dress and how I keep my room. I tell them they are supposed to accept their kids the way they are. That includes how I dress but they will not shut up. I feel nitpicked on how I dress and feel restricted that I cannot drive myself around. They are trying to protect me from getting into accidents partially because of other drivers being assholes on the road but also according to them I have delayed response times so I could accidentally worst case scenario run someone over and go to jail. They are protecting me from unnecessary risks. I most likely will have to learn to take public transportation or hire a part time driver to transport me around. If things change, they are not completely against the idea of me driving again locally. I’m renewing my license for a form of identification before my next birthday.But I mostly feel safe and protected. They are not going to be around forever. They give me rides where I need to go like yesterday my dad drove me to the library to return books, renew two of them, and pick up some new ones. I am transitioning to learning to be more independent and take care of myself physically and more financially with disability benefits with my adult clinical community services team who help adults with mental health issues work on their goals. I have family supports to help. But my clinician said I have to put in the work to get something out of the program. In a few years the goal is to have me transition to living independently with supported independent living or assisted living in an apartment or house. I will pay my own bills with the money I do have. I will learn to cook for myself, do household shopping, and personal shopping. I know how to clean and do laundry. I just have to find the motivation to clean because it takes a lot of energy and work. I will learn household maintenance, finish my education, and with part time work learn to pay taxes. I will not have much left. If I lose my federal benefits, I will have to pay for my own insurance too. I still want to have my hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes and I probably will not be able to afford to travel much unless it’s with my family or I have generous, wealthy friends or a spouse who will help me pay for travel expenses. And I could volunteer two to four hours per week. If I marry someone who is financially well off I also lose my disability benefits but I could get on a spouses insurance if they work full time or are independently wealthy and work more part time hours for my career job.I feel like because of how I let my life turn out I will have some limitations. My parents don’t like the idea of me being dependent on someone else for money like a spouse because I could get trapped and abused. I will probably never travel across the United States and Canada in an rv motorhome on my own or with friends or a spouse. I will probably not be to every continent in my travels and I will probably never live abroad in foreign countries for months or years at a time on a digital nomad visa and working there. The life I dreamed of will probably not happen. Even if I worked full time, with how expensive everything is in this country I probably wouldn’t have enough money left over by the time I move to a foreign country with more affordable cost of living. I need a lot of money saved up to even buy or rent to own an rv motorhome and find a lot to rent on during my travels. I have looked into tiny homes to rent on lots in tiny home communities, houseboats, building an earth masonry cottage like cob or adobe, housesitting, etc. I have looked into exchanging work for rent options to reduce rental expenses but many of those options are not appealing to me like working in hospitality like at a campground or a cruise ship. Also included are elder care, childcare, and property management. Groundskeeping and in home pet care were more appealing. I really don’t want to work on a farm like with wwoof. Also staying with hosts who will give you meals and accommodation for helping them with property maintenance which I know nothing about and I have seen a few with wanting with help with websites and marketing too( would be more up my alley). But after the assignment is over where would I go back home with my family again? I could live with them for a few weeks to a few months. I don’t want to work in a hostel. I have looked at intentional communities like ecovillages, cohousing, coliving ( people living in the same house) and communes. I would not want to live in a commune. I feel very pessimistic about my future. I wish sometimes I could meet someone kind, gentle, and rich who I could love but would also open up the world to be with some financial help. My parents are the ones who took me and my sister on vacations and opened up both of our worlds with university. If it wasn’t for my family, I probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere because I couldn’t have afforded it. I feel so sad sometimes and I’m highly anxious about my future. Plus I need to be in a stable location because of needing to go regularly to the pharmacy to pick up my medications every two to three months. I have a 90 day supply of my medications. The only way I could work around it is having my medications delivered home with an online prescription pharmacy and telehealth online psychiatrists and therapists. With the department of mental health I see all my mental health doctors in person like every two weeks for the therapist and the psychiatrist every month. My ACCS clinician will be once a month, my mental health outreach worker will be once a week, and a peer support specialist maybe once a week if I am assigned one. My case manager I saw once a week after the model changed from once a month to once a week. I should have never consented to starting with department of mental health and causing all this entrapment in my mental health care. If I move states I would have to be starting over with department of mental health in that state unless I could be transferred from the Massachusetts branch to another state more smoothly. My life has become so limited and I would have to reapply all over for another’s states government insurance if I stayed on disability in order to be covered. I have always wanted to live in the southwestern USA but because of my health issues I may have to stay in Massachusetts. This pisses me off that we don’t have universal health care on a national level so my insurance could transfer to all 50 states. Even if I had my own health insurance I would have to worry about in network and out of network providers and paying deductibles, premiums, and monthly subscription fees which cost at least a couple hundred dollars per month. Self employed individuals are also taxed more. If everyone got the economic security Western European and Nordic countries had by comparison, I would say the taxation would be worth it. Yet in this country it is not worth the tradeoffs. I am scared for my future. My sisters future and my family’s retirement years. I am nervous for my family and family friends. I feel terrible for others struggling in this cut throat economic crisis. I was so sad I didn’t get out of bed until 4:20 pm today. I feel lazy sometimes and need to motivate myself to achieve things. I just feel like completely doing it on my own is too risky. Everything is so expensive. That’s why some people never get off section 8 housing. I wish we made the social progress we made today but had the prices of the 1950s and 1960s when you could live on one income. Tell me who can afford housing with no rent control? A cheap house is $100, 000 but many other houses are $200,000-$700,000 who has that kind of money saved up so they don’t have to pay ridiculous rents and mortgages?