I hope the capacity to let others in and give comes back soon.
It's like waking up to a fresh morning, finally feeling rested.
But I get out of bed and realize, I don't have friends, family or a clear path anymore.
I made it through endless nightmares. Like damn, my days were a struggle that only existed because I vocalized them.
So the slate is wiped clean. Even though I'll never get back the love and friendship I lost, perhaps they weren't real if I couldn't go through the difficult time. Perhaps it was more about what they could get from me, and I had nothing to give. That's why they had to dump me like I was worthless.
Yet the sun rises today and I feel safe with myself.
Not to pat my own back but I made it through almost a decade of hell, watching everyone I loved and cared for leave. That wasn't easy and the people who showed me kindness will always be in my well wishes.
It's just not about everything I went through anymore. It's not about the love and safety lost. I couldn't get help no matter how hard I tried.
So maybe that's the point...
It all came down to understanding I AM alone and nobody will accept me fully. But I have been genuine and true without fail. To myself and about myself. I found my way through the insults and shaming, like harmless snake bites, nobody was out to get me, they just didn't want my pain on their turf.
Through that endless injury to my heart, the sun rose today and I woke up to the reality that nothing is standing in my way anymore.
After you've been drug through the mud by people who promised to care, you see very well that it's their unresolved issues, like a web, that caught you, not my own issues that I instead choose to face.
I'm not better or worse than anyone. I'm just me. All the time. And I'm proud of that. And I'm thankful for the people that have been kind.
Those small pieces of kindness paved a path through the mud. Kindness is the most human experience and so many people avoid sharing it for fear it will cost them too much. But my reserves were never that empty, even with the loss, so I don't understand avoiding or masking the undesirables truth.
Those people can drift away.
Waking up today, strong, hopeful and ready is nothing short of a miracle. Not addicted to any substances. Not destroyed or hateful with walls so high or doors locked so tightly I can't get out of my own cage.
I always gave my truth. I always loved with sincerity.
There's no more shame.
I don't know why today is different. Just feels like the rollercoaster ride is over. I'm a little beat up, but I'm ready for the second half of life. A more peaceful, gracious life. No more just surviving.
I am ready to live with all I know. I'm dropping the baggage but I will never forget how heavy it was and who watched me stumble vs who gave a stone to stand on so I didn't lose myself completely.
Most importantly, I'll never demean myself again. I don't know exactly yet what I just made it through, but I know I wasn't weak. I never gave up on a day like today, when what truly mattered has shone through 🖤
But I get out of bed and realize, I don't have friends, family or a clear path anymore.
I made it through endless nightmares. Like damn, my days were a struggle that only existed because I vocalized them.
So the slate is wiped clean. Even though I'll never get back the love and friendship I lost, perhaps they weren't real if I couldn't go through the difficult time. Perhaps it was more about what they could get from me, and I had nothing to give. That's why they had to dump me like I was worthless.
Yet the sun rises today and I feel safe with myself.
Not to pat my own back but I made it through almost a decade of hell, watching everyone I loved and cared for leave. That wasn't easy and the people who showed me kindness will always be in my well wishes.
It's just not about everything I went through anymore. It's not about the love and safety lost. I couldn't get help no matter how hard I tried.
So maybe that's the point...
It all came down to understanding I AM alone and nobody will accept me fully. But I have been genuine and true without fail. To myself and about myself. I found my way through the insults and shaming, like harmless snake bites, nobody was out to get me, they just didn't want my pain on their turf.
Through that endless injury to my heart, the sun rose today and I woke up to the reality that nothing is standing in my way anymore.
After you've been drug through the mud by people who promised to care, you see very well that it's their unresolved issues, like a web, that caught you, not my own issues that I instead choose to face.
I'm not better or worse than anyone. I'm just me. All the time. And I'm proud of that. And I'm thankful for the people that have been kind.
Those small pieces of kindness paved a path through the mud. Kindness is the most human experience and so many people avoid sharing it for fear it will cost them too much. But my reserves were never that empty, even with the loss, so I don't understand avoiding or masking the undesirables truth.
Those people can drift away.
Waking up today, strong, hopeful and ready is nothing short of a miracle. Not addicted to any substances. Not destroyed or hateful with walls so high or doors locked so tightly I can't get out of my own cage.
I always gave my truth. I always loved with sincerity.
There's no more shame.
I don't know why today is different. Just feels like the rollercoaster ride is over. I'm a little beat up, but I'm ready for the second half of life. A more peaceful, gracious life. No more just surviving.
I am ready to live with all I know. I'm dropping the baggage but I will never forget how heavy it was and who watched me stumble vs who gave a stone to stand on so I didn't lose myself completely.
Most importantly, I'll never demean myself again. I don't know exactly yet what I just made it through, but I know I wasn't weak. I never gave up on a day like today, when what truly mattered has shone through 🖤
41-45, F
