It sucks when you tried so hard your whole life to do meaningful things and make connections...
Then after years you realize you're just exhausted and nobody actually likes you.
They like what they get from you, because they want you to chase them. If you pull away for self preservation, or need something, you've lost all your value to them.
I'm not worth two drops of effort if I'm not performing my role in their life.
My personality went from happy, fun and chill to chronically annoyed. I don't smile or make eye contact anymore, no point. Not even at work where I'm supposed to be helpful and energetic. I just don't care.
I've stopped caring about so much. I don't volunteer or do anything for my community except pick up their trash out of natural areas which makes me sick and angry that people come here and disrespect the land.
My family only ever treated me like an obligation. When I look back I was just tossed around, like how do we deal with her. My mom was a single mom and when my family helped I was an annoyance to them. They'd forget about me so often, I'd be this little kid left behind at school and other places getting rides from strangers.
I'm tired of being me. Even though I'm cool with me, I know as soon as I'm not the one putting in at least 60% of the effort people will dump me so fast.
My last bf, I'm now understanding, used me as an emotional caretaker. He drained me with inconsistency and silence he knew I'd put up with if he kept promising me he loved me.
I used to wonder why I deserved to be treated like shit all the time. Now I realize that was selfish, nobody gives a frick about me.
And I know, I'm not supposed to care, and I tried to let stuff go. There was so much, I don't know, I just feel heartless. How do people live like this?
What's the point of being heartless?
It makes me want to die.
I would never leave my son and I fear the day I do pass on because he will have no one.
What a shitty excuse for life.
Moving gives me a shred of hope but it's also very intimidating. If it doesn't work out, if it's worse, then what? My plans are always naive and stupid. Life and the system are meant for people who are good at it's games and getting people to chase them.
I'm going to die alone in a van somewhere and nobody is going to care except my poor son. And my only prayer left is that he has people to comfort him.
They like what they get from you, because they want you to chase them. If you pull away for self preservation, or need something, you've lost all your value to them.
I'm not worth two drops of effort if I'm not performing my role in their life.
My personality went from happy, fun and chill to chronically annoyed. I don't smile or make eye contact anymore, no point. Not even at work where I'm supposed to be helpful and energetic. I just don't care.
I've stopped caring about so much. I don't volunteer or do anything for my community except pick up their trash out of natural areas which makes me sick and angry that people come here and disrespect the land.
My family only ever treated me like an obligation. When I look back I was just tossed around, like how do we deal with her. My mom was a single mom and when my family helped I was an annoyance to them. They'd forget about me so often, I'd be this little kid left behind at school and other places getting rides from strangers.
I'm tired of being me. Even though I'm cool with me, I know as soon as I'm not the one putting in at least 60% of the effort people will dump me so fast.
My last bf, I'm now understanding, used me as an emotional caretaker. He drained me with inconsistency and silence he knew I'd put up with if he kept promising me he loved me.
I used to wonder why I deserved to be treated like shit all the time. Now I realize that was selfish, nobody gives a frick about me.
And I know, I'm not supposed to care, and I tried to let stuff go. There was so much, I don't know, I just feel heartless. How do people live like this?
What's the point of being heartless?
It makes me want to die.
I would never leave my son and I fear the day I do pass on because he will have no one.
What a shitty excuse for life.
Moving gives me a shred of hope but it's also very intimidating. If it doesn't work out, if it's worse, then what? My plans are always naive and stupid. Life and the system are meant for people who are good at it's games and getting people to chase them.
I'm going to die alone in a van somewhere and nobody is going to care except my poor son. And my only prayer left is that he has people to comfort him.
41-45, F
