In the end I was forced to not care. (Long and whining so don't read unless you have the patience for it lol)
I'm not allowed to talk to him when he's busy or in a bad mood, but he doesn't communicate when he's busy or in a bad mood.
So I don't know what's going on, I'm just trying to talk or be silly and he gets mad at me. Then accuses me of disrespecting his boundaries.
I tell him what if he communicated when he wanted space, and he says he doesn't want space.
So where is the boundary? Am I supposed to read his mind?
And so I don't try as hard to talk to him and he accuses me of punishing him and says I'm manipulating him.
🙄
If I mention that it gives me anxiety that I don't know when to talk to him or gods forbid I have feelings about the anger explosion when I say something he doesn't want me to say, I get called a bitch.
Once his anger phase passes he's sad and selfish, then it's my fault I didn't reach out enough or give him enough attention.
Then I try talking and if the message is too long he leaves me on read and gives me the silent treatment because I'm overwhelming.
For some reason silence is so painful to me. I try to say something about how it makes me feel and we're back to I'm disrespectful of his boundaries.
It became literally impossible to talk to him.
So I mention going no contact and he cries and accuses me of always dumping him.
At one point he says, the world is out to get him, and I realize this is a huge tell. Not only is it all about him, but he really thinks he's special enough to be targeted by "everyone". He's a perpetual victim.
We all have our time as a victim. The important part is to not STAY a victim. Instead he lets his life fall apart around him. His home is filthy. He still goes to his mom's for dinner every night otherwise just eats pizza. He gets into fights. The most sad thing is that he doesn't take good care of his dog.
I'm sitting there, crying in his kitchen as he tells me he doesn't believe in a future for us, but he doesn't want to let go. He does what he always does when I cry. He leans away and lifts an eyebrow in defiance. He's cold.
My feelings NEVER matter. Even when he lies and gets caught, even when he ditches me for people who treat him like crap, I'm always supposed to instantly forgive him and let it go. When it's over for him and he's absolved himself, if I'm not also over it instantly, no matter how much it hurts, I am a bitch.
I tried to explain to him the past piled up because nothing is ever resolved. We just have to move on when he's tired of feeling like a jerk because he acts like a jerk. And he has done some really hurtful things. There was a lot of making plans where he just ghosted me and left me hanging. When I finally got ahold of him he was pissed at me for being hurt. It was all about him being busy, but again, how am I supposed to know his plans changed without communication? Why no apology for standing me up?
Most of the time it felt like he didn't want me at all. So I quietly stayed in the background and showed up for four hours on Saturday night to get some sex. That's been all we've had for a year or more.
I stopped letting him around my son for almost two years now. He wasn't mean to my son, but I noticed his selfish affecting my son in hurtful ways. Like one time we got a dessert to share at a restaurant and I remember my son taking little kid bites and him taking huge spoonfuls, gobbling the dessert himself like it was a competition. My son said to me he really liked the ice cream part the best but Kyle at it all before he got much.
I can't say why I stayed. The sex was good most of the time. He had some ED issues I had to be punished for. Me trying to have sex was putting pressure on him. Me wanting him to cum was too much expectation.
I think I remembered who he was when we first met. My mom was dying and he was sweet to me at first. He took me on dates. He held me and wanted me. We laughed and created things together. But I think he might of simply been love bombing me. Because when my mom died he started getting angry because I wasn't giving him enough attention. Losing my mom to dementia was the worst experience of my life. I was destroyed and my family ditched me because they knew they didn't help or support my mom or I. I was crushed and instead of comforting me, I saw this other side of him. Almost like he was jealous of my mom dying.
We broke up and I left in the van. We stayed in touch and when I got back he was different. Very angry.
He's possessive over me but it seems like hates me. He excludes me then blames me because for awhile after my mom died I had severe fibromyalgia flares where I couldn't even move off the couch. He doesn't give me a chance to say yes.
He got fired from his last job for stealing and lied to me and told me he quit. Two weeks later he came clean. He would steal stuff from Walmart and try to give it to me and it just felt so wrong. So dishonest.
I worried how long it'd be before he cheats on me and if I would ever know because I'm so pushed to the outside and paying for his bad moods constantly.
And all he's ever said is that he wants more time together. He wants to live together and get married, but I can't think of a worse idea. I've already been married and divorced a miserable man, why would I want to marry someone who is always mad at me instead of improving himself?
I have lost hair, lost/gained weight, lost myself for weeks feeling devastated by his choices and words which made it hard for me to be a good Mom. I have wrinkles of sadness etched on my face for the rest of my life because of the sorrow and confusion I felt over him.
I don't make any claims to what his issues are. I don't have any labels. I don't doubt he wishes he were a better man. It's just this part of me that wants to understand and care, that has been ground into the dirt with his boot, needs air. I won't get closure. He won't let go of me. But I don't feel loved or wanted or chosen. I just feel needed to be there for his suffering. I have no value in "us", only in taking the blame because he's too weak to take care of himself.
This was long shew 😂
So I don't know what's going on, I'm just trying to talk or be silly and he gets mad at me. Then accuses me of disrespecting his boundaries.
I tell him what if he communicated when he wanted space, and he says he doesn't want space.
So where is the boundary? Am I supposed to read his mind?
And so I don't try as hard to talk to him and he accuses me of punishing him and says I'm manipulating him.
🙄
If I mention that it gives me anxiety that I don't know when to talk to him or gods forbid I have feelings about the anger explosion when I say something he doesn't want me to say, I get called a bitch.
Once his anger phase passes he's sad and selfish, then it's my fault I didn't reach out enough or give him enough attention.
Then I try talking and if the message is too long he leaves me on read and gives me the silent treatment because I'm overwhelming.
For some reason silence is so painful to me. I try to say something about how it makes me feel and we're back to I'm disrespectful of his boundaries.
It became literally impossible to talk to him.
So I mention going no contact and he cries and accuses me of always dumping him.
At one point he says, the world is out to get him, and I realize this is a huge tell. Not only is it all about him, but he really thinks he's special enough to be targeted by "everyone". He's a perpetual victim.
We all have our time as a victim. The important part is to not STAY a victim. Instead he lets his life fall apart around him. His home is filthy. He still goes to his mom's for dinner every night otherwise just eats pizza. He gets into fights. The most sad thing is that he doesn't take good care of his dog.
I'm sitting there, crying in his kitchen as he tells me he doesn't believe in a future for us, but he doesn't want to let go. He does what he always does when I cry. He leans away and lifts an eyebrow in defiance. He's cold.
My feelings NEVER matter. Even when he lies and gets caught, even when he ditches me for people who treat him like crap, I'm always supposed to instantly forgive him and let it go. When it's over for him and he's absolved himself, if I'm not also over it instantly, no matter how much it hurts, I am a bitch.
I tried to explain to him the past piled up because nothing is ever resolved. We just have to move on when he's tired of feeling like a jerk because he acts like a jerk. And he has done some really hurtful things. There was a lot of making plans where he just ghosted me and left me hanging. When I finally got ahold of him he was pissed at me for being hurt. It was all about him being busy, but again, how am I supposed to know his plans changed without communication? Why no apology for standing me up?
Most of the time it felt like he didn't want me at all. So I quietly stayed in the background and showed up for four hours on Saturday night to get some sex. That's been all we've had for a year or more.
I stopped letting him around my son for almost two years now. He wasn't mean to my son, but I noticed his selfish affecting my son in hurtful ways. Like one time we got a dessert to share at a restaurant and I remember my son taking little kid bites and him taking huge spoonfuls, gobbling the dessert himself like it was a competition. My son said to me he really liked the ice cream part the best but Kyle at it all before he got much.
I can't say why I stayed. The sex was good most of the time. He had some ED issues I had to be punished for. Me trying to have sex was putting pressure on him. Me wanting him to cum was too much expectation.
I think I remembered who he was when we first met. My mom was dying and he was sweet to me at first. He took me on dates. He held me and wanted me. We laughed and created things together. But I think he might of simply been love bombing me. Because when my mom died he started getting angry because I wasn't giving him enough attention. Losing my mom to dementia was the worst experience of my life. I was destroyed and my family ditched me because they knew they didn't help or support my mom or I. I was crushed and instead of comforting me, I saw this other side of him. Almost like he was jealous of my mom dying.
We broke up and I left in the van. We stayed in touch and when I got back he was different. Very angry.
He's possessive over me but it seems like hates me. He excludes me then blames me because for awhile after my mom died I had severe fibromyalgia flares where I couldn't even move off the couch. He doesn't give me a chance to say yes.
He got fired from his last job for stealing and lied to me and told me he quit. Two weeks later he came clean. He would steal stuff from Walmart and try to give it to me and it just felt so wrong. So dishonest.
I worried how long it'd be before he cheats on me and if I would ever know because I'm so pushed to the outside and paying for his bad moods constantly.
And all he's ever said is that he wants more time together. He wants to live together and get married, but I can't think of a worse idea. I've already been married and divorced a miserable man, why would I want to marry someone who is always mad at me instead of improving himself?
I have lost hair, lost/gained weight, lost myself for weeks feeling devastated by his choices and words which made it hard for me to be a good Mom. I have wrinkles of sadness etched on my face for the rest of my life because of the sorrow and confusion I felt over him.
I don't make any claims to what his issues are. I don't have any labels. I don't doubt he wishes he were a better man. It's just this part of me that wants to understand and care, that has been ground into the dirt with his boot, needs air. I won't get closure. He won't let go of me. But I don't feel loved or wanted or chosen. I just feel needed to be there for his suffering. I have no value in "us", only in taking the blame because he's too weak to take care of himself.
This was long shew 😂
41-45, F
