When life has worn you to a place you can cry and laugh at the same time.

You can be devastated and still find silliness.

You can feel crushed but not hopeless.

Maybe that's just normal for people who grew up loved and safe. With cPTSD I think I got a very late start. I had to find a way through the shit to be my own love and safety.

I don't know.

I think I'm twisted and I know that's why people keep me at a distance.

The real sad part is that with a little TLC I'd probably be fine, but I also understand people don't have the capacity for that.

I'm very appreciative of the people here that have talked me through some things. I don't know if you'll ever understand how much it means. I try not to take and if I need to so desperately I don't take much. I am careful not to drag people down with me.

But still, I am always separate. And that has worn on me. Made me accept the brutal truth, the unwanted child becomes the unwanted adult. Maybe I somehow unknowingly fulfilled this, but I will not deny myself the credit of hard work. I did try so hard to not become the perpetual misfit.

But here I am. Waking up from crying in my sleep. It's inescapable. I don't want sadness to be a part of me, but it's maybe engrained at this point. I don't know. I still wish for a family and love. I can't help it.

I want to know if I will ever truly feel better.