I did it. I hung up. He was calling me a bitch and I hung up.

I didn't cry. I'm not going to text him something kind and wish him well.

I'm setting an alarm every thirty minutes on my phone with a message telling myself kind things. I need to make sure I don't start softening to this abuse. Again.

I don't deserve to be berated. I'm not perfect, I have my flaws, but they are honest and I am honest about them. I work on it. I have apologized when I didn't need to though. And I definitely don't deserve to be called names.

I need to make sure I don't crawl back because he was all I had. Because he was sweet sometimes.

He hurt me over and over and what he just did was probably the most evil thing anyone has ever done to me.

But I will say this...

He doesn't hate me. He hates himself. He hates his life. And he doesn't do anything about it. His ego makes his choices and his lack of accountability doesn't care if it's wrong or hurtful to others. He is sick. One minute he is soft, the next there is enough venom in his voice to kill. One minute he is apologizing, the next he is blaming. He would spoil me only before he was about to rip my heart out. If he hurt my feelings, he would punish me for telling him. He is unsafe, unpredictable and unworthy of a love like mine.

I was wrong to want communication when he was busy. I was. I wasn't doing it to make him feel anxious, I figured he'd respond when he could, but I couldn't respect that boundary. To just not text him until I heard back. And I wasn't sweet enough when his silence hurt. I should have been more considerate of his space.

That was on me.

That's what I did wrong.

I was also careful, I didn't allow him fully in my life because his mood swings were volatile. I know that bothered him. I also had to protect my son and I, but I shouldn't of been anywhere near someone I wouldn't let around my child.

I was transparent though. Sometimes he would say he understood. He would admit he had work to do on himself. Sometimes he would drag me through the mud and rip me apart for keeping him separate.

It was a bad situation. I accept my responsibility.

But he was MEAN. So mean. He lied to my face. He put words in my mouth and changed the truth to victimize himself and vindicate the horrible things he did and said.

I still feel the pull to apologize. To grovel and admit my faults so he won't be so angry at me. I feel the urge to make peace.

But I don't owe him anything. If I'm as awful as he says, I have already paid for it in pain, hair loss, nightmares, stress and tears.

I wish I had real life support. I wish I had someone to check in so the loneliness didn't cause me to slip backwards.

I have to be strong this time. I have to let it fade away.

I have to turn my back on love. Which feels so wrong.

But I'm not even sure if it is love. It might just be a trauma bond. It might just be abuse.

I just know I can't chase people who don't value me to the point they berate me.

I have to be strong.