The reemergence of my ego

I was, or thought I was, passed the constraints of my ego.

For years, I simply had a smile in my heart. It didn't mean every day was easy, but I was able to move away from the pain of it by accepting that pain is life. That things were as they were and I existed as an integral part of it all, therefore accepting the gifts and the pain alike. Letting it all teach me and show me my truest self without the arrogance to question why or believe I somehow deserved less hurt because I had done good.

I was aware of my smalllness and it didn't hurt, it felt beautiful.

My mistake was thinking I could share or improve anything in the broad caustic climate that is human. It was egoic to believe I unlocked something universally valuable.

So when it all became disappointing, I fell apart. U

I won't devalue the work I've done on myself, but I did miss the mark in a few important ways.

I responded to my disappointment in anger. With ego. And then I couldn't let go of the pain at all. And it all flooded back so quickly, which makes me believe I didn't build a bridge, I built a wall.

The damn walls. Some call them boundaries and I don't deny their usefulness in many situations, but I built them in a way I separated parts of me from myself. I cheated myself.

So now the parts of me that are free from ego must tear down the cage they called liberation.

Once again, here I am, with the weight of a sore ego. Without complaining or bringing up all the things that hurt me, I must lump it all together and dump it off a cliff.

I am done analyzing each slight and my reaction to it.

I have reached the point it's all too much to carry. It's too much work much like my own job irl that recycles it's crap patterns and repeats them without any hope of change.

Life is dull. Even when I stare out over the beautiful, vastly mysterious ocean, I have lost all wonder. I am only using it's beauty to numb the turmoil of my inner world.

I won't take all the blame. There was an innocence in me that believed, but that was lost in the complacency of contentment.

A new path must be made. I cannot let the pain and fatigue I created in trying to do right, stop me from going forward into the unknown. It's not romantic or special or meaningful in any way. I will never be fooled again.

So perhaps I am needlessly feeling foolish as these were the steps I needed to take all along. I only stumbled trying to get ahead of myself. Again, in honesty, but without value.

Only now the veil has been lifted. The cage of rightness is broken. I am spilling out. Such a mess. The part of me that dreams of softness, love, the outstretched hand is dead.

Now is when I get up again and retire from being a warrior. The fight was not for peace, it was to wear me down, as in to polish me. I did nothing for anyone. Just a stone among many, slowly worn by the tides ebb and flow. I am not important. I deserve nothing. Learning to quietly exist 🖤