I wonder what they said about me. How did they justify unlawful and immoral choices...

I wonder because I always have wondered.

What did I ever do to them besides show up?

And I'm realizing this is a deep issue for me. Likely why I never believe people like me. Why I'm not able to get close. Why I rebel but then hide in shame when I don't even associate with the shame. I'm being ripped in two all the time. And no offense to the version of me that sought approval and validation from people who treated her like crap, but that is over. It's not working. It never did work and it made me anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin for way too much of my life.

I am the weirdo to them. That was the only identity I was allowed. People still reject me for it and I'm sure always will.

I need to disconnect from any feelings associated with it. As much as I don't want to be alone, I have to face myself and accept myself like I wish others would. Knowing they won't.

My family will always hate me. But I know why. I don't have the secrets they have. The lies. Their unity against me justifies their greed so they can keep the delusions going.

I want to not care anymore.

I'm weird, but I'm not bad.

I want to be secure with myself.