Grieving a Life I Never Had

I think one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to grieve is a life I never got to have. People think grief is only about losing someone, but sometimes you’re grieving the childhood you deserved, the love you needed, the family you wished for, and the version of yourself that could’ve existed if things were different.

Life feels like one big struggle, and most days it feels like I’m going through it alone. I’m tired. Not just physically, but deep in my soul. Tired of fighting, tired of hoping, tired of holding it all together when it feels like everything is slipping anyway. Some days I feel numb and empty, and other days I feel everything too deeply.

I learned love through its absence, through being overlooked, forgotten, and feeling like I had to earn what should’ve been given freely. The strange part is, I still have a big heart. I still care. I still give, even when I don’t really get much back.

The older I get, the harder it is to ignore the broken parts of me. It feels like I’m still fighting for the younger version of myself, the little girl who didn’t feel good enough, seen enough, or chosen. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is still for her.

What hurts the most is knowing I was always worth it. Worth love. Worth choosing. Worth staying for. Worth the happy ending I never got. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much, it’s not just what I went through, it’s what I should’ve had.

I don’t know when things will get better. Some days I still hope. Other days, I feel disappointed by how life turned out. I’m just tired of carrying so much hurt, and tired of feeling like I have to fight so hard just to feel okay.