I am chomping at the bit for big changes...

It's coming. It's maybe a month away that my resources will grow. Two months and I can sell my house.

There will be an explosion of opportunity for my son and I. There will be sunshine and safety. A fresh start in a thriving, community oriented environment.

I have been waiting for this for years. And now it's knocking on my door and I'm HORRIFIED.

Not about taking the leap of change, I'm scared of having to rely on others to make it happen. I'm scared it might all fall through because of the dishonesty and greed others are capable of.

I have experienced some major disappointment in my life since a young age. To the point, when I was younger, I believed if I trusted something good would happen, and got excited, it wouldn't happen. I guess I still feel this.

Here I am again. This might very well be the most amazing experience of my life. Finally my turn at love and security. I just can't trust it.

I'm frustrated at myself for sucking the joy out of this because I'm afraid someone will take it all away. Because yes they could. Especially in my family dynamic.

I want to get excited and happy, I really do. I deserve this. My son deserves it. Things WILL get better.

Yet I mourn the part of me that would allow the excitement. I mourn the crap I'll be walking away from. But it all needs to be left behind.

We deserve a shot at life besides being in the garbage. And everything points to something incredibly beautiful. I want to feel something besides sick, but that's what being here is. Catering to fear and the very real possibility that someone will take from us and we'll have no way to make this long time dream come true.

I'm trying to be positive. I really am. I know this will be amazing. I just don't trust people, especially not my family. So I'm bracing myself for the setbacks and hurt from people who are supposed to have my back.

😓