I'm just going to say it.
I'm feeling awfully lonely these days. I just don't have anybody, like a male companion. Never did. Please don't tell me I'll find one.
All I wanted was a male companion around my age, for me to talk to and be a forever friend in my life, so I wouldn't feel this way till I go home. Some people just don't understand. There's a big difference between having friends vs. having a real companion so you feel like somebody's really beside you through life. That's important. I never had that special someone that I thought really loved me and wanted me and to be around me. Not my whole life. Always wanted somebody to want me and love me. To be there for me. I never had that.
Somebody that I could count on not to lie to me or anything and never leave me. Somebody that needed me as much as I need them. Never happened. It was such a simple thing to want, and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, but man, come on. Seems like everybody gets to experience having that kind of a person in their life to love you just once in your life, but no.
And it’s interesting how differently people respond to things. I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful when I say this, but when I share my heart and someone immediately and consistently shifts the focus back onto themselves to another subject altogether, that hurts, and it really leaves me feeling unheard and completely dismissed, instead of comforted. I know most people probably don’t mean to do that, but sometimes what I really need in those moments, is to know I've been heard and understood, instead of the conversation switching altogether. That just feels awful.
So many years without feeling like someone wants me as a companion, too. Just saying. It just doesn't seem fair that I couldn't find that one special person that would be honest and faithful to me, and I mean really be there for me.
So that was that. I'm done venting now haha It's okay. Never had one all these years, so I'm sure I'll make it till I go home. Thanks for listening. I'm okay now. Probably take a short break.
My sister told me about a real good book I'm going to read, and I got it for $4.95 on Kindle on Amazon. You might like it. It's called The Intruder and I think the author’s last name is McFadden. Take a look at it, you'll see it's pretty good. I love a good author and I love to read. And tomorrow I get my wheelchair. My first one.
I know it will be nice to have one and I don't have to use it all time but it will come in handy. But it's funny how I was thinking I'm feeling a little scared about it. I don't know if scared is the right word. I think not, but a little uneasy having one for the first time and naturally it feels like everybody will be gawking at me in it. 🤣😂
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I guess maybe people feel that way when they first get one. I don't know. I'm not embarrassed about it at , but I guess it just feels strange because it's new and will feel strange to go out in public in it for the first time. 🤭 I don't care what people think of it, it's not that. It's just that it will feel strange getting used to it and feeling like everybody's gawking at me like I stick out like a sore thumb 😂
I never think a thing anything strange when I see people out in their wheelchair, so I know this is just me being a bit weird, but I know once I get used to it, I'll have a real ball in it. I'll be going out all time and talking to people in the park and stuff hopefully, and making new friends and going to Walmart and to the lake and I'll be feeding the seagulls that come in the parking lot behind my building at the shopping center hahaha and there's lots of them and that will be really fun. And I'll get to feed the squirrels at the park. I love that and I hope they get to the point where they will recognize me and come down on my lap and let me feed them and hopefully, I'll get to love on them. I just love the animals and I love people too. I hope I meet some nice ladies at the park, as well. Oh and I forgot . I can go to Hardee's right across the street a few blocks down and make some friends in there, too. Oh man and I can go to the library! It's really huge but it's so cozy and boy well I love that and I'll meet some people there as well. Maybe I can find me a good buddy. I sure hope so. It's still not the same as having someone to share all that with. Just saying. I will really love that though.
I live in a three-story building and have, all by myself on the third floor, since 2010. Couldn't help but cry again today. My heart is broke because my best friend Mary was overtaken by dementia and in just one day they took her out of her apartment and she lost everything. Every single thing in her apartment that she loved and her cat and that just breaks my heart but it especially breaks my heart from poor Mary. The sweetest person in the world and she would never hurt anyone. I miss her so bad. We used to watch movies all time but now I don't have anybody. Everybody keeps pretty much to themselves here. But I will use my chair to go down stairs in our park-like setting and sit under the trees with the other people and I'll have someone to talk to. But that still don't take the place of a real companion, a constant in your life. I'm not talking about an overwhelming take over your life type relationship, but just something steady, someone you could hang out with once in awhile and talk to.
Oh wow I can't believe I wrote All That. I can't believe it's so long. Just shows I needed somebody to talk to. I wish I had somebody to hold hands with and walk and stuff. Somebody to just give me a hug if you know what I mean. I Miss not having my own companion to just simply hold me while we watch TV on the couch.
I love ya all. Thanks for listening. I tell you. I'm really getting tired of living here hahaha for the last 16 years all I've had to look at when I look out my window everyday is just one tree. That gets old after so many years even though it's beautiful and I'm thankful for it but that's just not enough anymore. If only I had the money to get myself a mobile home with a really nice deck on it and I could sit out on the deck and say hello and smile to people going by and they could come visit me and sit on the porch and rock with me or whatever and I could put pretty rocks on the porch to look at like I used to. Plant flowers. Gosh I need that and miss that. And you know I used to have a friend that I visited for quite some time. He was a paraplegic and I really loved him but he moved. But we used to sit out on his beautiful deck and sometimes not even say one word, but those were the most beautiful moments I remember that we shared that were so very special to us. And he had a hummingbird feeder and all kinds of things on the porch and they would come up and we could watch them and I just loved that. But I especially miss all the times I drove us around through miles of the beautiful Ozarks and we would drive for like 8 hours and see all the beautiful scenery, and I miss that SO very much. Those hills were so beautiful, I think I left my heart there, cuz I've always wanted to go back. But Bill is not there anymore. Gosh I loved him so much.
There was a mobile home I wanted to rent one time about 30 miles from here, on the nicest lot, and I think the lot was like 60 ft deep and when I went to the edge of the fence at the end of that lot, my heart was just so touched to see the beautiful open landscape and there were cows that would come up to the fence and I thought, oh my... I would feel like I was in heaven if I could have something like this, even to rent, and I could pet the cows and feed them. I would have thought I had died and went to heaven if I had had a place like that. But I couldn't afford the rent so I had to let it go. Years ago I used to live in that part of town and I would walk a very long ways in the forest and I can't tell you how much I loved that. My heart has never forgotten it. It felt like it was so beautiful that it might be a place where Angels might fly overhead.
Oh and the lake was so so beautiful. I love so much sitting at the lake and feeding the ducks. And every year there's a balloon festival here and they have a rock and roll band that plays all the oldies but I haven't seen that in years. I wish I had somebody to go with me there and enjoy it with me. Kind of seems lonely by myself to go there. Maybe I'll go there in my chair this year. I don't know yet. I think I might still feel alone being a see all the couples there and stuff going everywhere together. I'm happy for them though. I'm missing my cat so bad. Died years ago and my heart is still broken at missing him. He was my heart and he brought me such love and comfort. I'm praying I'll see him again in heaven. I believe I will.
All I wanted was a male companion around my age, for me to talk to and be a forever friend in my life, so I wouldn't feel this way till I go home. Some people just don't understand. There's a big difference between having friends vs. having a real companion so you feel like somebody's really beside you through life. That's important. I never had that special someone that I thought really loved me and wanted me and to be around me. Not my whole life. Always wanted somebody to want me and love me. To be there for me. I never had that.
Somebody that I could count on not to lie to me or anything and never leave me. Somebody that needed me as much as I need them. Never happened. It was such a simple thing to want, and I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, but man, come on. Seems like everybody gets to experience having that kind of a person in their life to love you just once in your life, but no.
And it’s interesting how differently people respond to things. I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful when I say this, but when I share my heart and someone immediately and consistently shifts the focus back onto themselves to another subject altogether, that hurts, and it really leaves me feeling unheard and completely dismissed, instead of comforted. I know most people probably don’t mean to do that, but sometimes what I really need in those moments, is to know I've been heard and understood, instead of the conversation switching altogether. That just feels awful.
So many years without feeling like someone wants me as a companion, too. Just saying. It just doesn't seem fair that I couldn't find that one special person that would be honest and faithful to me, and I mean really be there for me.
So that was that. I'm done venting now haha It's okay. Never had one all these years, so I'm sure I'll make it till I go home. Thanks for listening. I'm okay now. Probably take a short break.
My sister told me about a real good book I'm going to read, and I got it for $4.95 on Kindle on Amazon. You might like it. It's called The Intruder and I think the author’s last name is McFadden. Take a look at it, you'll see it's pretty good. I love a good author and I love to read. And tomorrow I get my wheelchair. My first one.
I know it will be nice to have one and I don't have to use it all time but it will come in handy. But it's funny how I was thinking I'm feeling a little scared about it. I don't know if scared is the right word. I think not, but a little uneasy having one for the first time and naturally it feels like everybody will be gawking at me in it. 🤣😂
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I guess maybe people feel that way when they first get one. I don't know. I'm not embarrassed about it at , but I guess it just feels strange because it's new and will feel strange to go out in public in it for the first time. 🤭 I don't care what people think of it, it's not that. It's just that it will feel strange getting used to it and feeling like everybody's gawking at me like I stick out like a sore thumb 😂
I never think a thing anything strange when I see people out in their wheelchair, so I know this is just me being a bit weird, but I know once I get used to it, I'll have a real ball in it. I'll be going out all time and talking to people in the park and stuff hopefully, and making new friends and going to Walmart and to the lake and I'll be feeding the seagulls that come in the parking lot behind my building at the shopping center hahaha and there's lots of them and that will be really fun. And I'll get to feed the squirrels at the park. I love that and I hope they get to the point where they will recognize me and come down on my lap and let me feed them and hopefully, I'll get to love on them. I just love the animals and I love people too. I hope I meet some nice ladies at the park, as well. Oh and I forgot . I can go to Hardee's right across the street a few blocks down and make some friends in there, too. Oh man and I can go to the library! It's really huge but it's so cozy and boy well I love that and I'll meet some people there as well. Maybe I can find me a good buddy. I sure hope so. It's still not the same as having someone to share all that with. Just saying. I will really love that though.
I live in a three-story building and have, all by myself on the third floor, since 2010. Couldn't help but cry again today. My heart is broke because my best friend Mary was overtaken by dementia and in just one day they took her out of her apartment and she lost everything. Every single thing in her apartment that she loved and her cat and that just breaks my heart but it especially breaks my heart from poor Mary. The sweetest person in the world and she would never hurt anyone. I miss her so bad. We used to watch movies all time but now I don't have anybody. Everybody keeps pretty much to themselves here. But I will use my chair to go down stairs in our park-like setting and sit under the trees with the other people and I'll have someone to talk to. But that still don't take the place of a real companion, a constant in your life. I'm not talking about an overwhelming take over your life type relationship, but just something steady, someone you could hang out with once in awhile and talk to.
Oh wow I can't believe I wrote All That. I can't believe it's so long. Just shows I needed somebody to talk to. I wish I had somebody to hold hands with and walk and stuff. Somebody to just give me a hug if you know what I mean. I Miss not having my own companion to just simply hold me while we watch TV on the couch.
I love ya all. Thanks for listening. I tell you. I'm really getting tired of living here hahaha for the last 16 years all I've had to look at when I look out my window everyday is just one tree. That gets old after so many years even though it's beautiful and I'm thankful for it but that's just not enough anymore. If only I had the money to get myself a mobile home with a really nice deck on it and I could sit out on the deck and say hello and smile to people going by and they could come visit me and sit on the porch and rock with me or whatever and I could put pretty rocks on the porch to look at like I used to. Plant flowers. Gosh I need that and miss that. And you know I used to have a friend that I visited for quite some time. He was a paraplegic and I really loved him but he moved. But we used to sit out on his beautiful deck and sometimes not even say one word, but those were the most beautiful moments I remember that we shared that were so very special to us. And he had a hummingbird feeder and all kinds of things on the porch and they would come up and we could watch them and I just loved that. But I especially miss all the times I drove us around through miles of the beautiful Ozarks and we would drive for like 8 hours and see all the beautiful scenery, and I miss that SO very much. Those hills were so beautiful, I think I left my heart there, cuz I've always wanted to go back. But Bill is not there anymore. Gosh I loved him so much.
There was a mobile home I wanted to rent one time about 30 miles from here, on the nicest lot, and I think the lot was like 60 ft deep and when I went to the edge of the fence at the end of that lot, my heart was just so touched to see the beautiful open landscape and there were cows that would come up to the fence and I thought, oh my... I would feel like I was in heaven if I could have something like this, even to rent, and I could pet the cows and feed them. I would have thought I had died and went to heaven if I had had a place like that. But I couldn't afford the rent so I had to let it go. Years ago I used to live in that part of town and I would walk a very long ways in the forest and I can't tell you how much I loved that. My heart has never forgotten it. It felt like it was so beautiful that it might be a place where Angels might fly overhead.
Oh and the lake was so so beautiful. I love so much sitting at the lake and feeding the ducks. And every year there's a balloon festival here and they have a rock and roll band that plays all the oldies but I haven't seen that in years. I wish I had somebody to go with me there and enjoy it with me. Kind of seems lonely by myself to go there. Maybe I'll go there in my chair this year. I don't know yet. I think I might still feel alone being a see all the couples there and stuff going everywhere together. I'm happy for them though. I'm missing my cat so bad. Died years ago and my heart is still broken at missing him. He was my heart and he brought me such love and comfort. I'm praying I'll see him again in heaven. I believe I will.
