I feel like I've always had bad narcissistic tendencies

And now I think I am becoming avoidant.

But I think I can build myself a happier life this way.

I'm terrible at communication because I feel so much fear in relationships I literally cannot speak.

It's similar to the feeling when you're trying to force yourself to swallow a pill.

I remember feeling this way throughout my childhood too, and it hasn't gone away.

I stop having the ability to say things, the words stay in my throat.

I try to push them, but they don't go.

It's so frustrating. I haven't found a way around it yet.

I have been fortunate to build "versions" of myself I idolize, based on women I have met and idolize.

So I can be bold and strong, while also being gentle.

I can be physically strong and surprise people. I can be sweet, intelligent and calm. Thoughtful. Hard-working, determined.

And I am all of those things.

But when I get close to a man I feel so much insecurity about myself it turns me into the base version of me.

The child