Vulnerability and other people
I couldn't sleep so I went on a research bender about why I have no close friends. I'm tired of accepting that I'm too weird and/or unlovable. Or that I owe people some unruly amount of attention to deserve theirs.
Truth is I had always been a good friend and I still could be if I was able to be vulnerable.
I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want to be vulnerable. It happened slowly and it finally hit me when my mom died/was dying of dementia. I reached out. I reached out here, with my family and friends. And nobody really gave a feck. If anyone was kind to me, it was a few people here. There were also some very unkind people here too. Things were said to me I could never of imagined...
"Go kill yourself", "my life is fine, I don't care about yours", "get over it", "stop talking about it", "suck it up buttercup"...
My family completely abandoned me and my friends just wanted to talk about their petty problems. My boyfriend at the time was just upset he wasn't the center of attention.
I remember people being randomly rude to me and thinking how do I cope with all this? I can't tell people my parents died and expect them to take it easy on me. I can't wish and hope and dream that someone will genuinely care about how much it hurts.
Most people pushed me away, because of my feelings. Regardless of how real and valid they were.
All the love I had for people crumbled.
I took off in a van with my son thinking we would meet cool people and make friends everywhere. I quickly realized people would rather take advantage of us or hurt us. By the end of that nearly year long journey I was deeply depressed by the loneliness.
Coming home to my mom's house destroyed by her husband/evil jerk, I had to fix up her house. The old buddy I had help offered doing the work for sex. I was so hurt and belittled I blocked him and had to find more expensive alternatives to fix the house.
I have had to drop everyone I knew because I can't stand the avoidance. The apathy and selfishness I saw in people disgusts me to this day. And for years now I've only made half ass friends and that's because I only listen. If I talk about myself I am interrupted.
Nobody even cared to hear about my adventures.
The message I couldn't stop hearing was, nobody cares.
Not the people I knew and needed. Not the people I met and wished to know and be known by.
So I slowly have given up. I am no longer vulnerable and I still have to fecking hear how it's my responsibility.
It was my responsibility to pick up all the pieces alone, with a child in my care. Now it's my responsibility to trust people that don't give a shit about how I really am. No. No. No.
Again, we blame the one pushed on the ground and not the bully. I am SO sick of this being the norm. That I have to suck it up and deal with people being mean when they could be a decent human. Why do I have to stuff my reality just because it makes people uncomfortable because they're avoidant of everything unpleasant?
Unpleasant is part of life and I would think much better handled with compassion and comradery.
So I'm not the stupid one because I face my feelings. And I'm not crazy for not getting over it, it made me crazy because nobody cared.
When my mom passed I got zero sympathy cards. I got nothing but pushed off by my family because to them I was annoying. Her sad daughter they didn't want to deal with because it was their sister/aunt and their experience, even though they treated my mom like crap too, was more important.
After more than a decade of people assuming one negative thing or another about me because I'm open about my life and feelings and it hasn't been pretty, I've had enough of the rejection.
And now when I see people going through hard things, it's tough for me to be supportive. Especially to the people who ignored me when I was most vulnerable and really really really really really needed kindness.
I feel like a bitch and now I'm supposed to feel bad about that too.
****************************
So I'll say this to the people who assume I'm weird, annoying, emotional, too much, not enough...
You don't fecking know me. You've assumed too much and haven't paid attention enough or cared enough to judge me.
And if you think ditching people is a boundary or a solution to solving your own problems you don't know what being human could be. You only know yourself. You've barely completed the essential functions of a human by only giving scraps and putting up walls.
I am weary and leary of people now. I don't believe people stay or stand by your side. I know people would love me to believe that my need for emotional support and stability is something I should have but not from them, something I need to work on. But I'm tired of pretending I'm damaged so people don't have to be people.
I am okay alone but it's not my choice. I had to get okay alone because my son needed me. And I am so completely disappointed in most people I find real peace in being alone. Even though I know and feel the negative effects it has on me, I can't stop myself from hiding. It's a struggle to communicate and keep in touch. Then when people punish me with their silence because I'm not responsive enough it sinks in further that people don't really care about me, they care what they get from me.
Every door that closes on me because I'm not enough hurts deeper and deeper. It pushes me further into isolation. It has stolen most of my hope.
Even when someone is nice to me now, I fear the day when they too, will decide I'm not worth the effort, and I know I'm not even a taker lol
I hold out for infinite possibilities and believe I might still find home and family and friends again. I have no desire to give up. I'm done being told it's some flaw in me that makes me alone. It's a fear that developed over a lifetime of intermittent security and conditional love.
So don't act like I'm the freak.
We're all freaks. I just can't be fake enough to get through the door.
*******************************
And to the few people that have been real with me, you are the reason I hold on to hope that I can repair my heart and let people in again. I'm sorry I can't do it fast enough. I'm sorry it's awkward and ugly at times. But the people who truly get me know that's actually beautiful and nothing for me to be ashamed of.
I'm not ashamed of myself. I have been strong and honest.
Truth is I had always been a good friend and I still could be if I was able to be vulnerable.
I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want to be vulnerable. It happened slowly and it finally hit me when my mom died/was dying of dementia. I reached out. I reached out here, with my family and friends. And nobody really gave a feck. If anyone was kind to me, it was a few people here. There were also some very unkind people here too. Things were said to me I could never of imagined...
"Go kill yourself", "my life is fine, I don't care about yours", "get over it", "stop talking about it", "suck it up buttercup"...
My family completely abandoned me and my friends just wanted to talk about their petty problems. My boyfriend at the time was just upset he wasn't the center of attention.
I remember people being randomly rude to me and thinking how do I cope with all this? I can't tell people my parents died and expect them to take it easy on me. I can't wish and hope and dream that someone will genuinely care about how much it hurts.
Most people pushed me away, because of my feelings. Regardless of how real and valid they were.
All the love I had for people crumbled.
I took off in a van with my son thinking we would meet cool people and make friends everywhere. I quickly realized people would rather take advantage of us or hurt us. By the end of that nearly year long journey I was deeply depressed by the loneliness.
Coming home to my mom's house destroyed by her husband/evil jerk, I had to fix up her house. The old buddy I had help offered doing the work for sex. I was so hurt and belittled I blocked him and had to find more expensive alternatives to fix the house.
I have had to drop everyone I knew because I can't stand the avoidance. The apathy and selfishness I saw in people disgusts me to this day. And for years now I've only made half ass friends and that's because I only listen. If I talk about myself I am interrupted.
Nobody even cared to hear about my adventures.
The message I couldn't stop hearing was, nobody cares.
Not the people I knew and needed. Not the people I met and wished to know and be known by.
So I slowly have given up. I am no longer vulnerable and I still have to fecking hear how it's my responsibility.
It was my responsibility to pick up all the pieces alone, with a child in my care. Now it's my responsibility to trust people that don't give a shit about how I really am. No. No. No.
Again, we blame the one pushed on the ground and not the bully. I am SO sick of this being the norm. That I have to suck it up and deal with people being mean when they could be a decent human. Why do I have to stuff my reality just because it makes people uncomfortable because they're avoidant of everything unpleasant?
Unpleasant is part of life and I would think much better handled with compassion and comradery.
So I'm not the stupid one because I face my feelings. And I'm not crazy for not getting over it, it made me crazy because nobody cared.
When my mom passed I got zero sympathy cards. I got nothing but pushed off by my family because to them I was annoying. Her sad daughter they didn't want to deal with because it was their sister/aunt and their experience, even though they treated my mom like crap too, was more important.
After more than a decade of people assuming one negative thing or another about me because I'm open about my life and feelings and it hasn't been pretty, I've had enough of the rejection.
And now when I see people going through hard things, it's tough for me to be supportive. Especially to the people who ignored me when I was most vulnerable and really really really really really needed kindness.
I feel like a bitch and now I'm supposed to feel bad about that too.
****************************
So I'll say this to the people who assume I'm weird, annoying, emotional, too much, not enough...
You don't fecking know me. You've assumed too much and haven't paid attention enough or cared enough to judge me.
And if you think ditching people is a boundary or a solution to solving your own problems you don't know what being human could be. You only know yourself. You've barely completed the essential functions of a human by only giving scraps and putting up walls.
I am weary and leary of people now. I don't believe people stay or stand by your side. I know people would love me to believe that my need for emotional support and stability is something I should have but not from them, something I need to work on. But I'm tired of pretending I'm damaged so people don't have to be people.
I am okay alone but it's not my choice. I had to get okay alone because my son needed me. And I am so completely disappointed in most people I find real peace in being alone. Even though I know and feel the negative effects it has on me, I can't stop myself from hiding. It's a struggle to communicate and keep in touch. Then when people punish me with their silence because I'm not responsive enough it sinks in further that people don't really care about me, they care what they get from me.
Every door that closes on me because I'm not enough hurts deeper and deeper. It pushes me further into isolation. It has stolen most of my hope.
Even when someone is nice to me now, I fear the day when they too, will decide I'm not worth the effort, and I know I'm not even a taker lol
I hold out for infinite possibilities and believe I might still find home and family and friends again. I have no desire to give up. I'm done being told it's some flaw in me that makes me alone. It's a fear that developed over a lifetime of intermittent security and conditional love.
So don't act like I'm the freak.
We're all freaks. I just can't be fake enough to get through the door.
*******************************
And to the few people that have been real with me, you are the reason I hold on to hope that I can repair my heart and let people in again. I'm sorry I can't do it fast enough. I'm sorry it's awkward and ugly at times. But the people who truly get me know that's actually beautiful and nothing for me to be ashamed of.
I'm not ashamed of myself. I have been strong and honest.
41-45, F
