I cannot find softness and safety around me, so today I start focusing on creating it 🖤

My hold up is that it isn't real. I can pretend things are soft and safe, but truth is I know life doesn't work that way and if I fall I will hit the ground hard. There are no safety nets for me.

I have had to be tough and brutally honest with myself because of my situation. I wouldn't allow myself to be vulnerable because one mess up could cost me everything.

But survival mode isn't easy on my body or mind and it's taken a toll.

For years therapists gave up on me because I couldn't create a safe place in my mind in order to complete certain therapies. It just made me cry because I knew it was fantasy. But the therapist I have now is so patient with me, so gentle. She told me it can include people and animals. She told me I can imagine a safe strong man teaching my son. It can include a whole forest of animals if I want. Thanks to her I finally understand what safety even means to me. I had given up on it.

If other people can have home and safety, I can believe in it. Even if it never happens, even if it isn't possible, a dream is better than a living nightmare 🖤