I think I get it...

You have to detatch from people when they show you that you don't matter to them.

Something in my personality (a flaw) wants to hold on. Something in me has patience and understanding for others, because I wish people would give that to me.

However being capable of enormous amounts of love and sacrifice means nothing to anyone besides my son.

I hate my brain for being delusional and hopeful. I hate my family for showing me I was worthless to them, because now my mind is stuck seeking truth in others and not myself.

I am not selfish enough to be human, I'm a monster.

Nobody loves the monster. Even if the monster has a heart of gold, people show you how much you mean to them and I'm done trying to fill the gaps. They suffer no loss having a life without me, so shall I no longer suffer alone, knowing there's nothing I could of truly done for others, aside from leaving them alone.

The problem is I don't want to isolate anymore. I want to grow and find home and family and friends, for real this time.

So I don't know how to open my heart yet maintain the boundaries needed to balance protecting myself and being vulnerable.

I really don't understand life and I'm trying to grow...

But it's really hard to do alone. And when people see you poorly, there is no asking for help. There's only more alone.

And I just wonder if it's best now to detatch from everything and focus on myself. It doesn't feel right though. It's not the way I see, but it's the path I'm pushed down without the love I needed in the beginning.

I could do wonderful things, but I feel more like a waste of flesh when I am around others.