I'm plagued by exhaustion.
I do one thing with my day and even if it's as small as making breakfast and eating it, my energy is spent.
I had a good job. It paid decently and at least wasn't considered entry level. It had a future. Despite picking up an immeasurable amount of work for months that other people were just too lazy to do, while also dealing with grief in my personal life which didn't help lessen the load, I got pushed out of there.
Now I work an entry level job. Every day I do it, I just feel like a disappointment. My parents thought I was gonna be something great but now frequent arguments just come down to career, money, material things. Nobody in my life values me for the hard work I did at that place, or who I am. It's just numbers in a bank account. I don't care about any of it anymore.
And the criticisms about being too sensitive. This year I had a sort of awakening to the suffering of others. It was always there but now it's more alive and integrated. The phases I went through to get to this point were painful, and it's painful still. I feel others' pain.
I also feel others' greed and malice. When I run into someone I know is only out for themselves, I lose all focus. They suck the energy out of me. I can't even articulate myself around them and it makes it easy for them to take advantage because I find myself at a loss for words.
I'm in a spot right now where I'm just tired, angry, and grieving. Outside my feelings of empathy, failure and regret, I don't care about anything. Everything is empty. Life isn't exciting. It's bland. And this world chews up and spits out anyone who gives a damn. You have to be a cold hearted, money making robot in order for anyone to value you as a human being.
None of it interests me anymore. I just want to sleep.
I only go on for a handful of people. And I do it while running on fumes. Many days are just filled with me being exhausted, brooding and not taking care of myself.
This is an economic society I live in and I can't sustain myself. I don't know what I'll do.
I had a good job. It paid decently and at least wasn't considered entry level. It had a future. Despite picking up an immeasurable amount of work for months that other people were just too lazy to do, while also dealing with grief in my personal life which didn't help lessen the load, I got pushed out of there.
Now I work an entry level job. Every day I do it, I just feel like a disappointment. My parents thought I was gonna be something great but now frequent arguments just come down to career, money, material things. Nobody in my life values me for the hard work I did at that place, or who I am. It's just numbers in a bank account. I don't care about any of it anymore.
And the criticisms about being too sensitive. This year I had a sort of awakening to the suffering of others. It was always there but now it's more alive and integrated. The phases I went through to get to this point were painful, and it's painful still. I feel others' pain.
I also feel others' greed and malice. When I run into someone I know is only out for themselves, I lose all focus. They suck the energy out of me. I can't even articulate myself around them and it makes it easy for them to take advantage because I find myself at a loss for words.
I'm in a spot right now where I'm just tired, angry, and grieving. Outside my feelings of empathy, failure and regret, I don't care about anything. Everything is empty. Life isn't exciting. It's bland. And this world chews up and spits out anyone who gives a damn. You have to be a cold hearted, money making robot in order for anyone to value you as a human being.
None of it interests me anymore. I just want to sleep.
I only go on for a handful of people. And I do it while running on fumes. Many days are just filled with me being exhausted, brooding and not taking care of myself.
This is an economic society I live in and I can't sustain myself. I don't know what I'll do.
