My whole life is a series of trying to escape pain.
From PTSD or depression or whatever it is I have that a million doctors could never agree on.
Whether it's by working, doing other responsibilities, or doing something irresponsible, it's all to avoid feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, heartache, inadequacy, depression, sorrow, overwhelming empathy, etc. etc. They're constantly biting at my ankles and I'm permanently in a state of urgency, trying to run from it.
The rare moment when I do escape these feelings is still filled with nervousness because I know it will be fleeting.
I miss when I was a little kid and I could just exist. God knows I still had these feelings but they weren't as interwoven or persistent.
I fear that this is all there is to life. I will just get older, these feelings will continue, and then... nothing.
Whether it's by working, doing other responsibilities, or doing something irresponsible, it's all to avoid feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, heartache, inadequacy, depression, sorrow, overwhelming empathy, etc. etc. They're constantly biting at my ankles and I'm permanently in a state of urgency, trying to run from it.
The rare moment when I do escape these feelings is still filled with nervousness because I know it will be fleeting.
I miss when I was a little kid and I could just exist. God knows I still had these feelings but they weren't as interwoven or persistent.
I fear that this is all there is to life. I will just get older, these feelings will continue, and then... nothing.
