The Decision Has Been Made
Have you ever contemplated leaving? Moving to a new place? Starting over? I know I have - many a time. Just be done with everything...the old memories that haunt the places you live and visit...
You wonder - or at least I do - if you have the courage to pick up and go. Then there's the where to go. What to do once you get there. Then you begin to wonder what reasons/excuses you can give everyone around, to make it seem like a natural and normal progression so you don't have to admit you can't take it anymore. Do you actually let anyone know anything? Do you go without a word? Who do you tell? Anyone? No one? Do you want to be found? Do you want to clear the slate before you leave everything in the rear view mirror? Do you want to flip everyone off and leave them all standing in the dust? Will you look back - even once?
You contemplate that and so much more. You think on every possibility and for a long, long time. Some days you seem close to making a decision, other days you have no idea what kind of sandwich you want, let alone, what to do with the rest of your life.
But, in the end decisions are made - plans formed - life moves on. It's anyone's guess how it will turn out. Only time will tell if your decisions were correct.
We'll see if mine are. I decided to go for it. The hell with what anyone else thinks. With the exception of a couple people - I don't owe anyone anything, including an explanation or a play by play of my future. I am tired of pretending anyone else owns a piece of my life - a piece of my soul.
So, for the last few weeks, I've been packing up almost everything I own. I'm ready to strike out on a new adventure, a new way of life, in a new home, in a different city.
My ducks are all lining up in a row.
New City✅
New House✅
New Job✅
A Gazillion and one Packing Boxes✅✅
So then, packing almost everything? What am I not taking?
I'm not taking the useless rabble of miscellaneous junk I've been accumulation for years. I'm certainly not packing all those clothes taking up space in my closet that don't fit well and I never wear. Oh definitley not taking any of those mismatched Tupperware lids or that pile of socks missing a mate. I won't be taking any of the old appliances or that ancient crockpot that has sat almost forgotten and taking up valuable cabinet space. And most of all, I refuse to take even one scrap of the painful memories associated with this place - the ones that reside here, inside these walls, that cling to me like some kind of cheap suit that has long ago lost its shape and no longer fits.
None of that is getting in the moving van with me - even if I have to slink out in the middle of the night while they lay sleeping.
Now don't get the idea I beleve anyone can run from their problems. As they say - where ever you go, there you are. You can't outrun yourself. But I am a believer in making your circumstances better if you can. And I can, so why not? I have nothing holding me here. Less than nothing, really.
Oh I'm not running away in the middle of the night, although I have wanted to badly at times. No, the people who love me and who I love, know where I'm headed and how to reach me. The people who only pretended to care... *shrug*
It's a step in the right direction for me. Leaving the bad behind in a pile of dust and looking forward to the fresh and new.
Will everything be rosy all the time now? Nah. And I'm not silly enough to believe it will.
Will those precious old memories, that I am both loathe to keep and loathe to purge, still accost me from time to time? Of course. That's life.
Will this give me the kick in the pants to get me emotionally up and moving again? To get back to living? Well, *shrug* that's the plan and we can only hope. Time will tell.
But after these 5 years of being stuck in the muck, it is surely a step in the right direction. Not one made in haste, but one carefully thought out and meticulously planned. No stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire for me - like people are so prone to do when they're hurt and lost. At least I didn't fall into that trap.
I guess the next chapter of my journey is about to begin. I look forward to it....the heavy lifting - both emotionally and physically - the loading and unloading, the packing and unpacking. It will be an wild ride. It is anyone's guess how it will stack up in the end.
But for now, I've got my little yellow convertible, a fine scarf in deeply fierce shade of red to blow in the breeze as I drive, and a GPS set for anything and anywhere I damn well please.
Wish me well if you'd like. No harm, no foul, if you don't. I'm learning to live by my own set of rules with few expectations and even fewer connections. I don't really care what anyone thinks these days - of me, my plans, my past, my future... I've found you don't really need anyone in the ways you once believed you did, when you were naive and still believed in the happily ever after. Some of us weren't meant for connection. These days, the way I see it, if I myself, can't make it, do it, be it, or buy it, then I don't need it.
I'll still show up here. I'll still be me, testy attitude, and all. I'll still be relatively distant when anyone new tries to talk to me. But I'll still be genuine. I'll still try to be kind when someone is having a bad day as well as to those who have been kind to me. And yeah, I'll still be bitchy when someone gets that way with me. Life will move on here for me much like it always has. But in the real world - things are going to get interesting.
You wonder - or at least I do - if you have the courage to pick up and go. Then there's the where to go. What to do once you get there. Then you begin to wonder what reasons/excuses you can give everyone around, to make it seem like a natural and normal progression so you don't have to admit you can't take it anymore. Do you actually let anyone know anything? Do you go without a word? Who do you tell? Anyone? No one? Do you want to be found? Do you want to clear the slate before you leave everything in the rear view mirror? Do you want to flip everyone off and leave them all standing in the dust? Will you look back - even once?
You contemplate that and so much more. You think on every possibility and for a long, long time. Some days you seem close to making a decision, other days you have no idea what kind of sandwich you want, let alone, what to do with the rest of your life.
But, in the end decisions are made - plans formed - life moves on. It's anyone's guess how it will turn out. Only time will tell if your decisions were correct.
We'll see if mine are. I decided to go for it. The hell with what anyone else thinks. With the exception of a couple people - I don't owe anyone anything, including an explanation or a play by play of my future. I am tired of pretending anyone else owns a piece of my life - a piece of my soul.
So, for the last few weeks, I've been packing up almost everything I own. I'm ready to strike out on a new adventure, a new way of life, in a new home, in a different city.
My ducks are all lining up in a row.
New City✅
New House✅
New Job✅
A Gazillion and one Packing Boxes✅✅
So then, packing almost everything? What am I not taking?
I'm not taking the useless rabble of miscellaneous junk I've been accumulation for years. I'm certainly not packing all those clothes taking up space in my closet that don't fit well and I never wear. Oh definitley not taking any of those mismatched Tupperware lids or that pile of socks missing a mate. I won't be taking any of the old appliances or that ancient crockpot that has sat almost forgotten and taking up valuable cabinet space. And most of all, I refuse to take even one scrap of the painful memories associated with this place - the ones that reside here, inside these walls, that cling to me like some kind of cheap suit that has long ago lost its shape and no longer fits.
None of that is getting in the moving van with me - even if I have to slink out in the middle of the night while they lay sleeping.
Now don't get the idea I beleve anyone can run from their problems. As they say - where ever you go, there you are. You can't outrun yourself. But I am a believer in making your circumstances better if you can. And I can, so why not? I have nothing holding me here. Less than nothing, really.
Oh I'm not running away in the middle of the night, although I have wanted to badly at times. No, the people who love me and who I love, know where I'm headed and how to reach me. The people who only pretended to care... *shrug*
It's a step in the right direction for me. Leaving the bad behind in a pile of dust and looking forward to the fresh and new.
Will everything be rosy all the time now? Nah. And I'm not silly enough to believe it will.
Will those precious old memories, that I am both loathe to keep and loathe to purge, still accost me from time to time? Of course. That's life.
Will this give me the kick in the pants to get me emotionally up and moving again? To get back to living? Well, *shrug* that's the plan and we can only hope. Time will tell.
But after these 5 years of being stuck in the muck, it is surely a step in the right direction. Not one made in haste, but one carefully thought out and meticulously planned. No stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire for me - like people are so prone to do when they're hurt and lost. At least I didn't fall into that trap.
I guess the next chapter of my journey is about to begin. I look forward to it....the heavy lifting - both emotionally and physically - the loading and unloading, the packing and unpacking. It will be an wild ride. It is anyone's guess how it will stack up in the end.
But for now, I've got my little yellow convertible, a fine scarf in deeply fierce shade of red to blow in the breeze as I drive, and a GPS set for anything and anywhere I damn well please.
Wish me well if you'd like. No harm, no foul, if you don't. I'm learning to live by my own set of rules with few expectations and even fewer connections. I don't really care what anyone thinks these days - of me, my plans, my past, my future... I've found you don't really need anyone in the ways you once believed you did, when you were naive and still believed in the happily ever after. Some of us weren't meant for connection. These days, the way I see it, if I myself, can't make it, do it, be it, or buy it, then I don't need it.
I'll still show up here. I'll still be me, testy attitude, and all. I'll still be relatively distant when anyone new tries to talk to me. But I'll still be genuine. I'll still try to be kind when someone is having a bad day as well as to those who have been kind to me. And yeah, I'll still be bitchy when someone gets that way with me. Life will move on here for me much like it always has. But in the real world - things are going to get interesting.
61-69, F
