There is a lot I just don't care about anymore.
It's not that I need opinions on it, but I do wish it was something people understood about me.
My son commented last night that sometimes I don't understand his pain because I've felt too much pain... And I felt that 😔
Unfortunately I've lost a lot of gentleness and patience. I do wish to get it back. Some discovery is currently missing though. Perhaps the healing required for softness to re-emerge? I don't really know.
What I do know is I've sacrificed precious life for people who wouldn't piss down my throat if my neck was on fire. I've watched most all of my loved ones die. I've given so much and never had a way to replenish. I attract takers. I know people will lie, cheat and steal from you when you're on your last leg. Not all people. I know there's good people. The few I know, I value and do my best to let them know how amazing they are.
But I am depleted. I don't have much to give anymore and it forced me to let parts of myself go.
Giving makes me happy. Not in a people pleasing way, in a, I know what it's like to be crushed in every aspect of life and fully comprehend the value of kindness kind of way. It however, doesn't always taste sweet. I can be very rough.
That doesn't compute to many people. And it doesn't translate into motherhood and raising a sensitive young man. He deserves the gentleness. I muster up all I can for him and it takes from me but that is the only way.
All I know is grit and push. In order to not go numb, I had to stop caring about a lot. This is something people with people won't get and they will assume I'm crazy, weird, a jerk, or all of the above. If they'd take a moment to be nice they'd see the real me, but I don't even care if they don't because I'm not up for the risk of being sweet right now.
Sorry world. The gods know I tried.
I am working to position myself to care for myself, my son and others. But the powerful empathy and healing I was once capable of, I don't know if that's coming back. I can't say right now.
All I really know at this point is I'm not going down. I'm not giving up. And in order to keep going I've had to let go seemingly endlessly. I feel the emptiness inside me and I know I can't fill it. Not yet.
My son commented last night that sometimes I don't understand his pain because I've felt too much pain... And I felt that 😔
Unfortunately I've lost a lot of gentleness and patience. I do wish to get it back. Some discovery is currently missing though. Perhaps the healing required for softness to re-emerge? I don't really know.
What I do know is I've sacrificed precious life for people who wouldn't piss down my throat if my neck was on fire. I've watched most all of my loved ones die. I've given so much and never had a way to replenish. I attract takers. I know people will lie, cheat and steal from you when you're on your last leg. Not all people. I know there's good people. The few I know, I value and do my best to let them know how amazing they are.
But I am depleted. I don't have much to give anymore and it forced me to let parts of myself go.
Giving makes me happy. Not in a people pleasing way, in a, I know what it's like to be crushed in every aspect of life and fully comprehend the value of kindness kind of way. It however, doesn't always taste sweet. I can be very rough.
That doesn't compute to many people. And it doesn't translate into motherhood and raising a sensitive young man. He deserves the gentleness. I muster up all I can for him and it takes from me but that is the only way.
All I know is grit and push. In order to not go numb, I had to stop caring about a lot. This is something people with people won't get and they will assume I'm crazy, weird, a jerk, or all of the above. If they'd take a moment to be nice they'd see the real me, but I don't even care if they don't because I'm not up for the risk of being sweet right now.
Sorry world. The gods know I tried.
I am working to position myself to care for myself, my son and others. But the powerful empathy and healing I was once capable of, I don't know if that's coming back. I can't say right now.
All I really know at this point is I'm not going down. I'm not giving up. And in order to keep going I've had to let go seemingly endlessly. I feel the emptiness inside me and I know I can't fill it. Not yet.
41-45, F
