I surrender to the loneliness.

I just can't keep trying to be my own person. I can't keep people close when everything is bad news.

My son needs me and it's very clear no one is coming into our life or loving us.

There is no happy place, no safe space to escape for awhile. No tenderness, no ecstasy, no safety. Nothing to be excited about or hold onto.

There's nothing and no one to trust.

There is no rest.

I watched my mom go through this, then when she finally started dating in her 60's, she met and married a man that destroyed her. Took her from her child and grandchild and stole everything she left to them.

Hope has been slowly fading from my life for a long time, little by little. And now I think it's time to give up. To allow room for resignation so I can plan for a life that is never again stifled by my own wishes and dreams. And focuses solely on my son and his wishes and dreams.

I am like a tree, rotting from the core, my presence only slows down everything I care about. It's time to die a little. To make room for the future growth of my son, my sapling.

I am not the mighty oak anymore. I am the support, I carry the strain and I give my life for my son.

There is no life for me outside of what I must give. And maybe that was the purpose of this life, to drain myself to nothing so that death will come sweetly, knowing my little leaf has all the sunshine he needs to grow strong in my absence.