When nobody loves you and you can't afford to be pampered...

I feel uglier than I ever have, but there's something to that disappointment that makes me feel more lovable.

Like at my bare minimum, I'm still worthy of love because there's so much more to me.

But it's up to me to tap into myself.

I have learned to like myself, like I'm aight, but I don't love myself. Partly for fear of being selfish, and partly because it's been hard for me to validate myself alone. I don't think that's weak, I think it's because I have lost so many people and so much of what I've identified with. Within 15 years I have violently lost my family and my home.

I know most people are tired of hearing me figure my stuff out, but it's my way to validate myself. It's my only way to get support, which I do deserve, just like everyone else.

I am not cute or pretty anymore, so there is no superficial validation to stave off my insecurities. Instead of looking in the mirror, I look at my son, my dog, my life and the courage I've shown to get through hardships. Even though my hardships have caused chronic pain and eroded my sense of home, my persistence is indefinitely valuable.

No matter how sick, crippled and alone I become, it only frustrates me because I know I deserved better. It simply wasn't in the cards for me and that's okay.