I died decades ago.
Whatever stopped me from feeling real human emotions and instead become this hollow sensation seeking machine, it killed me.
I am not good with kids. I'm too hesitant. I get caught up in second guessing myself and then irresponsible things happen.
I am not good at any sort of work related productivity. Too much emotion inside.
I am good at drinking. I do it every day. I am good at smoking. I do it every day. At this point I have health problems and I believe this may kill me literally. I'm sorry.
While I'm still here, I will do everything I can to make life worthwhile for others.
I have a lot of progress to make. Lots of impulses and compulsions to learn to control. Lots of thought distortions to sift through. They leak out through my interactions with people. Everyone knows this. Many people think it's intentional. No. I'm just that afflicted.
But when I was a kid, and I can remember my mom's facial expression when she realized that so much hard work in this horrible world had been paid off, and she was proud of just being able to afford to go buy me something inexpensive that made my child self happy, that was the last significant moment of connection and understanding I can remember with anyone. Just be happy and spend time with mom because she is happy.
Somehow, somewhere, between then and now, I died, and lost my touch with humanity. It's over.
I will stick around for as long as this world keeps me. And I'll try to find the strength to stop doing things that ruin my health. But I just know there is no way out of this without literal death.
It will happen to my mom. It will happen to my dad. It will happen to my siblings.
It happened to the child who I only remember by a single bouquet of red rose petals spilled on the concrete like a waterfall behind the ambulance before it drove off.
It happened to the woman who I only remember by a singular, horrible vision of suffering and cruelty that I can't even begin to describe.
It happened to loved ones of friends. Innocent people just taken out of this world for no reason.
And who's to say where they are now. Religious texts claim to know. I don't understand them.
In some less scientific circles they say a person can die almost in a metaphorical sense from mental trauma and be replaced with a psychological double. I believe it. I don't belong here. I'm reminded of this every day I wake up, life is inches closer to death, and I have done nothing about it. Because I can do nothing about it. I have no power. No leverage.
Whatever brought me into this world may.
But I just wait and worry about the next horrible thing I will witness. It's only a matter of time.
Now how can I go forget about all this without alcohol...
I am not good with kids. I'm too hesitant. I get caught up in second guessing myself and then irresponsible things happen.
I am not good at any sort of work related productivity. Too much emotion inside.
I am good at drinking. I do it every day. I am good at smoking. I do it every day. At this point I have health problems and I believe this may kill me literally. I'm sorry.
While I'm still here, I will do everything I can to make life worthwhile for others.
I have a lot of progress to make. Lots of impulses and compulsions to learn to control. Lots of thought distortions to sift through. They leak out through my interactions with people. Everyone knows this. Many people think it's intentional. No. I'm just that afflicted.
But when I was a kid, and I can remember my mom's facial expression when she realized that so much hard work in this horrible world had been paid off, and she was proud of just being able to afford to go buy me something inexpensive that made my child self happy, that was the last significant moment of connection and understanding I can remember with anyone. Just be happy and spend time with mom because she is happy.
Somehow, somewhere, between then and now, I died, and lost my touch with humanity. It's over.
I will stick around for as long as this world keeps me. And I'll try to find the strength to stop doing things that ruin my health. But I just know there is no way out of this without literal death.
It will happen to my mom. It will happen to my dad. It will happen to my siblings.
It happened to the child who I only remember by a single bouquet of red rose petals spilled on the concrete like a waterfall behind the ambulance before it drove off.
It happened to the woman who I only remember by a singular, horrible vision of suffering and cruelty that I can't even begin to describe.
It happened to loved ones of friends. Innocent people just taken out of this world for no reason.
And who's to say where they are now. Religious texts claim to know. I don't understand them.
In some less scientific circles they say a person can die almost in a metaphorical sense from mental trauma and be replaced with a psychological double. I believe it. I don't belong here. I'm reminded of this every day I wake up, life is inches closer to death, and I have done nothing about it. Because I can do nothing about it. I have no power. No leverage.
Whatever brought me into this world may.
But I just wait and worry about the next horrible thing I will witness. It's only a matter of time.
Now how can I go forget about all this without alcohol...
