I want to break freeeee 🎤 🎼🎵🎶 Shadow side of sex, drugs and knowledge seeking from a woman's perspective

I'm finding I've betrayed myself a thousand times.
That I didn't want to go into sex and intimacy but mostly because of charisma, drugs and alcohol, I did.
Relaxing into physical willingness.
Living my spirit someplace elsewhere.

Even after I stopped the consciousness altering substances, weed and alcohol for the most part, I continued for sometime having random boyfriends.
Not feeling a full Yes but always trying to soothe myself into it.
To extract perhaps a drop of love or two.

I can't understand it fully.
But I see it in an extreme way right now, I'm aware....as if I never wanted to have sex in the first place.
I rushed in when I was young.
It's complicated for everyone I believe, if someone goes deeper into it.

I feel betrayed. By myself and as an extension by all the men of my life who of course, like me, didn't know any better than, caring to satisfy themselves, and not seeing any further. All of us blinded like hungry dogs.

Is it true that it is simplier for men ? Is it true that it can be a merely physical thing for them ? I could never understand this, because for me it was always different. It's been perhaps a year whereas I tried to approach it as merely physical. I've managed to shift my perception as such and I made a thousand of mistakes and I was feeling elevated and fresh, until all was over and I had deteriorated in the eyes of my community.

I was always just so sad, going around, trying to feel loved in the best way that I could.
Betraying everyone, and the worst of all, betraying me, this being that I carry.

So many mistakes I've done.

I think I'll give up on love for a while.

Men still approaching me, carrying this hunger. Not like before but it's there. I believe we create our reality by our thinking. I still haven't changed my thinking, not completely.

I feel blocked.

I think that knowledge has been kept from women because of this. Because knowledge fell in the hands of men that kept it from women, redirecting their attention to another door, sex. Reducing them to merely sexual objects in knowledgeable communities, keeping them around as dancers, servers, hookers.
Not without their concent! We're happily tricked into it.

I know this because I have approached men with the wish of knowledge, especially older men (not only) to soon find myself tricked into their beds.

I have made it to circles of knowledgeable people, until someone sooner or later would approach me to show me something, and for the most part I've been shown a dick ! As natural, diminishing and hilarious, as this blatant life is.

How stupid I am Jeez !!!!
We're stupid, we have been stupid and it's good to see and admit it in order to move forward and change.
This is so sad.

I need to get myself together.

I have blocked myself from using any drugs because of these situations.

I go into forums seeking truths and knowledge and many times people refer to using substances in order to highten their consciousness. I am totally blocked out of it.
Half of me thinks, it's for the best and to keep going with a sovereign mind.
Another half of me thinks this is how people proceed on the path of knowledge and I'm just blocked in a square ⬜

Truth be told, I was never able to find or be accepted by a knowledgeable woman.

I don't want to become a rigid man in a woman's body and loose my natural fluidity and feminine energy, the spontaneity, the natural uplift, the playfulness and silliness, the feminine flame and the flower.

But not it to be used against me any longer.

I'm trying to break free from what I call myself.
I'm diving deeper. I'm trying to see everything I can.

I want to break freeeee 🎤 🎼🎶🎵🎶🎶

I must find a better way to narrate this, I know.
I'm just letting myself to write exactly however I see it without editing.

Ps - no, I haven't slept with the shaman I'm working with nowadays. But I saw the whole scene playing. I would have, a couple of years back.