Do women in "abusive relationships" have themselves to blame?

@SW-User yeah i know, i mean if they are not dependent on them (but how did they get dependent in the first place)

@NinaCherry young women can be more at risk due to their upbringing, their state of mental health, their education level, their physical stature and the fact that they can become pregnant and end up with dependents of their own to house and feed.

@NinaCherry Children

@NinaCherry It’s important also to keep in mind that far too often, an abuser can be very clever and very brutal, but secretive. It’s carefully calculated to avoid visible injury. The victim will be well-schooled to understand that if they tell anybody, far more punishment will follow.

The victims know that while ‘the guardians’ - law enforcement, mental health workers, etc., may genuinely WANT to help, the whole frustrating truth is that they are hobbled by one of those things we hold dear - civil rights.

One night, the abuser oversteps, often due to alcohol or other substances. This time it’s not a loving punch in the gut. This time it is clear that it’s escalating. Maddeningly, to observers, the victim refuses to help bring the abuser to justice. Why on EARTH would they do that? Are they stupid? Do they LIKE it?

Probably not. What they know that we don’t is that once the smoke has cleared, the abuser is at least temporarily removed from the home.

Now what? Now the abuser has the right to confront accusers. They have the legal right to their day in court. That can take forever. Unless the situation is extreme, it may be months before anything is legally settled, and even then, what happens? Baby steps.

It’s gratifying to see news reports about some violent person being charged with domestic violence charges. If you follow the case, you’ll find that most often, the charges will later be reduced to get a plea deal and keep the court system moving.

And the abuser may even go to jail. For a while. But not for very long. A month, even a year. Then the offender is released, and the offender is even more dangerous now. The offender is MAD.

If you think that the system can protect the victims long-term, think again. What is the “system” going to do? Assign full-time guards so the victim can grocery shop or sleep without being attacked? Of course not.

And then we read in the news a victim (and the victim’s loved ones, children, parents, new boyfriend) has finally been killed. This murder may have been years in the making.

Or it may not be murder. It may be excellent defense attorneys who, in doing their jobs well, destroy the character of the victim. The children may go to the abuser, thereby yoking victim and abuser. Try to imagine living for YEARS knowing a new motion has been filed by the abuser to change child custody rulings, wondering if the abuser is bringing their anger to bear on the children, turning them against the other parent. It works, too.

It is SO not as simple as it looks. This has been proven thousands of times. Not just in domestic violence, but also for captives of war - tortured and abused, and psychologically wounded.

Meanwhile, the abuser, who represents themselves as the aggrieved, is out there. Waiting. Will it be today? Next Thursday? Will one of the children not be coming home from school? What was that noise?

@SW-User [quote]leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for an abused woman[/quote]
It's just as dangerous for an abused man.

[quote]even with resources, of which most don't have because the abuser has designed it to be this way[/quote]
Abused men have next to no resources to help them escape at all. In fact, the whole system is designed to work against them. Police routinely refuse to accept their complaints ("It's not a police matter, Sir") so they can't get a crime number. Without that, they're deemed to have intentionally made themselves homeless so are ineligible for social housing. If they have children, they're usually forced to leave them with the abuser. What loving father would be prepared to do that?

@Mamapolo2016 I note you don't automatically presume the abuser is male. I'm glad I'm not the only one here who recognizes that women can be abusers and men victims.

@Sharon I had an ex GF that would not leave me alone. I tactfully told her that I did not think things would work out for us. I told her she was nice but I had no intention of seeing her long term and marriage was out of the question. She said she understood and said bye.

Long story short. The next night she called me at home and her gf told her that she should allow me to do "anything I wanted to her". I told her I did not want to do anything with her and she went ballistic. She said no man had ever refused her and I would not be the first.

She called me EVERY night. Her record was 81x. (caller ID). She left messages on my car at work, my front door, she parked her car at the park across the street from me and spied on me, watched me at work, drove past my house at night with the lights off. and continued to Call me even if I answered and hung up on her.

One time I was shopping for a new car 30 miles from home. I went to the drive in at McD to get a soda and she was in my rear view mirror, in the car behind me.

I saw a lawyer and he said she was 'only a woman'.

I went to the courthouse and asked a legal clerk about it and she said to hang up on her.

I was going to file charges but I did not want to stand up in the middle of a courtroom and be embarrassed by others.

She continued to call every night until I moved a year later.

That woman was unstable. But I had no idea until I said 'no'.

But if I had done those things to her, I would have been in jail.

@Sharon @DallasCowboysFanI apologize. I slipped. Until fairly recently, domestic violence was considered to be perpetrated by men against women. We’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg. Men are slowly starting to report being victimized. There is violence between same-sex partners. It happens in wealthy families and in desperately poor ones.

@DallasCowboysFan “She’s only a woman.”

Yes, which points up one of the serious failings in society. She’s no longer ‘just a woman’ when she acquires a gun or a knife or runs over the man she ‘loves” with a car. Or poisons him. He will be just as dead.

You dodged a bullet, friend, and I’m so glad you did.

@Mamapolo2016 I'm not sure what you're apologizing for. Your coments were completely sex neutral. Most discussion of domestic abuse follow the misandrist propaganda and prusume it's (almost) exclusively male on female. All the truly independent and academic studies find that female on male abuse is approximately just as prevalent.