A part of my life
I don't think I can ever be in a relationship again in my life . I'm single 14 years now . I'm 43 years of age and i don't like saying the words (I think ) but I'm guided at this present moment in my life to stay on my own , and that's not due to past relationships that I had .
The frightening part about it was at the start when I was single that thought terrified me staying single . I thought I couldn't handle it and days turned into months and months turned into years. Through that and there was so much pain ( a brief explanation was that there was 3 serious suicide attempted in 6 weeks ) It wasn't a cry out . The last suicide attempt I had was and up to this day I can't explain was that I was hanging from a rope , my insides came away from me . I pulled myself back up and about 4:30 in the morning my mind just stopped racing for the 1st time in years of my life and what happened next was that I got a fierce sense of peace that was out of my reach. It went beyond human intellect.
That night and up to this day I'm after getting fierce solitude in my life ( and I'm not ramming it down people's throats . Each to there own belief) and why . The crucifixion of Christ is what got me through my suffering . I used to hear people going on about a higher belief in themselves and I used to say it's alright for them but I experienced it myself without looking for it too hard .
Back to the relationship part . That's why I don't think I can be in one again . Are my afraid of the pain in past relationships, probably yes but that's not the whole reason . It's after taking me years in my of suffering to get where I am today in myself .
Some people will say it might not be like that in the next relationship. Put yourself out there .
Its not that at all . Its was what friend said to me in before she died . For 5 months she was in agonising pain in hospital and the next thing she said to me change my life . She was in hospital 6 months but the 5th month she told me ' I never want to go back where I'm at ' She was at peace . She was 38 years of age . That was 14 years ago . When I heard that I wasn't long thinking then .
The frightening part about it was at the start when I was single that thought terrified me staying single . I thought I couldn't handle it and days turned into months and months turned into years. Through that and there was so much pain ( a brief explanation was that there was 3 serious suicide attempted in 6 weeks ) It wasn't a cry out . The last suicide attempt I had was and up to this day I can't explain was that I was hanging from a rope , my insides came away from me . I pulled myself back up and about 4:30 in the morning my mind just stopped racing for the 1st time in years of my life and what happened next was that I got a fierce sense of peace that was out of my reach. It went beyond human intellect.
That night and up to this day I'm after getting fierce solitude in my life ( and I'm not ramming it down people's throats . Each to there own belief) and why . The crucifixion of Christ is what got me through my suffering . I used to hear people going on about a higher belief in themselves and I used to say it's alright for them but I experienced it myself without looking for it too hard .
Back to the relationship part . That's why I don't think I can be in one again . Are my afraid of the pain in past relationships, probably yes but that's not the whole reason . It's after taking me years in my of suffering to get where I am today in myself .
Some people will say it might not be like that in the next relationship. Put yourself out there .
Its not that at all . Its was what friend said to me in before she died . For 5 months she was in agonising pain in hospital and the next thing she said to me change my life . She was in hospital 6 months but the 5th month she told me ' I never want to go back where I'm at ' She was at peace . She was 38 years of age . That was 14 years ago . When I heard that I wasn't long thinking then .
41-45, M
