my reason and my story

i’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, detachment from reality and family issues since elementary i’m now in 10th. I’m struggling with a lot of grief ever since my nana passed she was my everything and she was the reason i lived. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore i don’t want to live anymore. When i was 12 i started self harming and abusing alcohol and medication. I self harmed today after about a month and a half i relapse a lot so to me it’s normal. But i’m so angry i’m filled with rage and it makes me want to break things and scream. Everyday i think about taking my life i feel unloved and unwanted by my family i’ve wrote countless of suicide letters and i continue to do so. I strongly believe life would be better if i was gone. I feel extremely alone and feel as if i cant talk to anyone. When i was in 7th i had no friends this was a year after covid it so i was doing online school. This was the saddest time of my life i craved loved from my family especially my mom and all i wanted was to feel as if someone cared. When i went back to school in 8th all my friends i knew in 6th were my friends again and i even made more friends. I had started to get stalked by guys who liked me and guys would talk about my body a lot and talk about the things they wanted to do with me. When i would be open to my friends about my self harm and my abuse with alcohol and medication they would ignore me and get mad at me. My ex who i was with at the time broke up with me bc i was “ a lot to deal with” and he thought i was crazy because i self harmed. I started taking a high dosage of medication to escape from everything it made me feel very sick and my friend called poison control while we were at school. The school found out and they told my mom she yelled at me took my phone and called me crazy and said she wasn’t taking me to the doctor. She did take me to the doctor the day after but she acted differently towards me and continued to call me crazy. When i had got a therapist shortly after this i told my therapist countless of times about my suicidal thoughts when she had to tell my mom my mom would come in my room with a belt yelling what’s wrong with me and all i could do was cry. The first time she found out about my suicidal thoughts she told me “nothing is wrong with you your fine” and that i needed to live to help her with my brothers. I continued to abuse alcohol and medication and self harm . Recently i’ve been eating less or more and making myself throw up. I’ve been called fat by many of my family members. My cousin told his friend he hoped i killed myself all because i told on his brother which was also my cousin. I won’t get into the story of that. My dad has been in prison for 11 years i think i have a step dad who i like and he does a lot for me but we don’t talk much since i never know what to say to him. My dad would write me sweet letters when he was doing time but then he stopped asking me how i was and every letter he asked me to do something for him. He got out a few months ago and gets mad at me if i don’t try to come see him. When i was 5 i was choked by my aunt for like idk how long i wonder everyday what i did to her for her to do that to me and the worst part is no one believed me when i told them. I’ve been in fear of my mom and fear of making her mad because all she does is yell at me i found out recently she talks about me to my step dad and not in a good way. Usually i would go to my aunts to escape home but my aunts have been fighting a lot and when i go over there i feel like i’m not wanted there and somehow something gets blamed on me. i am with someone but with all the past relationships even tho i only mentioned 1 it’s hard for me to believe he actually loves me and cares about me. It’s hard to believe anything sometimes i think about talking to my mom or asking for a therapist but i remember how she treated me the last time and immediately start crying. I’ve called the suicide prevention line i’ve texted the crisis text line many many many times i’ve tried talking to people but no one seems to understand and i feel like putting my problems on someone will make them leave me.

The 1 person i lived for is gone the love i had for my mom is gone the love i had for my family is gone and the will to live is gone.

if i had a chance to go i would take it without thinking about it. everyday i feel pain physically and mentally and everytime i cry i cry so hard that my body gets weak and i can’t even move sometimes i cant breathe.

i cant be saved i don’t want to be saved i just want to be gone. Everyday i used to sit and my closet and cry and beg to die i’m starting to do that again. This is the lowest i’ve been i’m severely broken and damaged something is just wrong with me and i know it

i’m only 15 but i feel like i’m 80 because to me i feel like i’ve been living for a long time and i feel like i should die that’s all i ever think about.

i’m constantly paranoid that i’m being watched or i’m gonna get attacked and i dissociate and it feels like i’m viewing myself from the 3rd person like i’m outside my body and everything feels fake all the time

i’m giving up i cannot do it anymore i love a lot of people i did a lot of good things and stupid things for love i always do what i can for someone just to feel love

the physical pain that i feel in my heart cannot be described

i really think people will lose me to suicide and there’s nothing they can do about it.