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Well…here I am again…

I keep saying I’m going to stop using this site, but I think I’m actually falling into this place like some kind of oasis lately. It’s been soooooo long since I’ve written. At all. When I first started typing here again it was super awkward and I hated it honestly. My mind has just pouring out of me lately though and the writing hasn’t been a struggle. I’ve given up on anything organized, sophisticated, or whatever. It’s just me…pouring out…at this point, I guess. But still not TOO much of me. Lol Maybe a lot of me! I can ramble up a storm….but I’m pretty good at keeping silent when I need to.

Anyway….none of that really matters, so let’s just move on here. I got to thinking today, and I think it may be this medicine they’ve got me on right now that’s messing with how I’m feeling. It’s also got me on day 10 of my period too, which, joy…thanks docs. I asked if that’s ok, as well as some pain I’ve been feeling, and they said it’s perfectly normal. Why can’t normal just be happy and glamorous? Norma can suck it :P I’m normally a pretty content, optimistic person…but this person inside me right now is not much of either of those. I feel like some critical, very observant, calculating being just ready to slam all kinds of doors. Buuuut, I’m behaving. I really hope this all balances out soon. I should only have to take these pills for a month or two. I’m already ready to be done with them.

So yesterday I posted I felt good things were coming….HA!!!!! To the me of yesterday-Shut up, idiot hahaha.

So, it was a beautiful day today. I busted my butt to get a ton of stuff accomplished by noon. As soon as I finished, I took my girl out for a day of fun. We went and got pizza, had a picnic, explored/hiked a bit, and went to the playground. I really enjoyed hiking near the creek. My girl and I had so much fun and the creek looked and sounded beautiful. We sat on a bridge and just listen to the song of the water cascading over the rocks for a while…and seeing her appreciation for the simple, yet so inspiring, beauty of it all really had me in awe. And then we went to the playground.

I’m still kicking myself. It was WAY past nap time and I knew my girl was a ticking time bomb, but I also knew she’d be content and cooperative with me. UNTIL, this little boy snuck up behind her and tried to push her down the slide. Now, he meant no harm. Really, he was just being playful. My kiddo hates to be touched when she’s unprepared though. One second she was alone and then this kid has his hands all over her. And then the next she was cowering and refusing to go down the slide or move at all. THEN, the mom kept trying to coerce her down and trying to get her son to grab her hand and pull her down the slide with him. (It was two side-by-side slides btw) Wellll, obviously she did NOT want to be touched and at that point she was afraid of the boy AND mom and they would NOT let up! I kept informing them she was just really tired and they needed to just give her time and let her come down when she was ready. And the mom just would NOT stop!!! I finally climbed up and consoled my toddler…they finally left…and then once I went back down my girl finally decided she was just fine and came down that slide smiling and happy as a lark! We went and explored a bit more until she truly was too tired to go anymore and then we left.

The whole drive home (which by the way, my kiddo was asleep in less than 5 seconds) I was just beating myself up. I handled that situation SO poorly!!! I SHOULD HAVE spoken up for my child and demanded they both get away from her and respect the fact that she did not want to be touched and they were making her uncomfortable. But no, this stupid need to always be polite is so freaking ingrained into me. I was slammed back to this time I got assaulted at work and froze up all over again. I couldn’t move, not even open my mouth to speak up. It wasn’t until it was over that I was able to run and get a manager and I was so mad I was beat red and bawling…and I still hate myself for freezing up when that happened. I always thinking I’m better than that now…I’m stronger than that now…I’m wiser than that now….and yet, time and time again, I get in these situations where I need to stand up for myself and I CAN’T. Maybe I just need to start practicing being an a-hole once a day every day:P But man, to know I didn’t speak up for my child….I feel like CRAP.

After she woke up from her nap I apologized to her and we had a really good talk about speaking up for ourselves. I explained that if she doesn’t someone to touch her, she does not have to let them. She has the right to say this and that and she has every right to push them away or whatever it takes to get her point across. i talked to a friend about it and they pointed out that she needs to see ME being assertive…I’m TRYING so hard to be that person!! This flaw of mine is one I’ve been working so hard to teach her to be better than me, even though she’s just a toddler. It was shoved down my throat my whole life to always be pretty, smiley, happy, and nice….and I was never taught how to deal with those situations where those things don’t apply. I’m better now then I was when I was younger, but clearly it’s still a hard one for me :P. I don’t want to raise a fighter, but I’ve made it very clear that I will NEVER be mad if she protects herself. No one will ever bully her or take advantage of her. She’s going to be bold and fierce and stand her ground….something I’ve always struggled with, even though I may put on a good front at times. I never want her to start anything, but she has every right to finish it. Tolerance is acceptance and permission for repeat offenses. Not ok.

Then tonight, I was putting my girl to bed and I heard a loud knock on the door. It was a cop. Apparently, some neighbors have a problem with where my husband parked his truck. He lost his keys like 2 weeks ago…so maybe someone thought it was abandoned or something? But, it is parked inside our cul de sac, there are only 5 houses here, and they were all fine with our truck where it is. It wasn’t in anyone’s way. There’s no room to park it in our garage or driveway. Anyway, the cop was polite, informed me he wouldn’t issue a ticket, and I could tell he thought the whole deal was ridiculous…he just said we’d have to call the HOA to see where we’re allowed to park our truck. HAHAHA. That’s fuuuunnyyyy. The only place to park it is somewhere else around this cul de sac…and two of our neighbors inside this cul de sac park around it too! Mind you, these meds have me in kind of a weird not me mood, but yeah…I’m ready to move. I clearly don’t want to know all my neighbors here…..I think they’re some snooty snobs who can shove it. My husband said it was no big deal. “We’ll just start calling the cops on them.” Two wrongs don’t make a right….and I actually want to get along with everyone here and make the most of it. Best to just let it go and move on. I can tell you I am NOT calling and asking where we’re allowed to park our truck haha. We’ll move it like our neighbors do. :P Everyone can suck it, and if they keep calling the cops, I’ll take it up with the HOA myself. There’s only 5 houses in this cul de sac. It would’ve been just as easy for someone from the HOA to come talk to us as it was the cop. Only 5 doors to knock on to see who it belonged too. Would’ve been a lot more polite and direct than calling the cops. Not cool.

Anyway…I’ve been in such a negative mindset…I’m going to try to post some positives from today…


1. Finding time to write. Has been really nice having more privacy and quiet time in this house than our last.
2. Heard peep frogs today…and the sound of the creek trickling along…
3. I actually did have a lot of laughter and good times with my girl. She was great today actually and now I’m trying not to cry and can barely see as I type this because I’ve just been so cynical and unappreciative the last few days. But anyway, my favorite moment with her today was playing wheels on the bus. I set up chairs, made her climb aboard, and we went for a ‘ride’ as we sang the song. She got SO into it! Did all the motions, sounds, and everything. Then afterward she made me do it itsy bitsy spider with her. It’s been a while since we’ve done that one and I couldn’t believe how good she’s gotten! Seems like just yesterday I couldn’t wait for her to learn to do it with me and now she’s a little pro! And then we did Miss Mary Mack and Miss Lucy Had A Baby with hand claps. I remember longing for kids and thinking I’d be that cool mom who taught her kiddo those kinds of things so SHE could teach other kids at school rather than being like me and never knowing any cool stuff until other kids taught me. Lol And here we are…having these precious moments I always dreamed of….literal dreams come true…it truly is the little things in life that are EVERYTHING.

And see….just like that…it wasn’t a terrible day after all. It was pretty wonderful in a lot of ways.
ineedadrink · 51-55, M
And once again, I love reading what you write. I hope you are able to keep using this place as your outlet. 🙂
@ineedadrink Thank you :)
this is a lot to read, but i hope you find what you seek.

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