I need to put this on here so it can be out of my head and I can focus.

In the spring I will go to a smoke shop. I'll pick out a cigar and sit on a couch and smoke it. I'll meet a girl and have an interesting conversation. Like a really interesting one that makes me forget where I am. I'll ask her if she wants to "get out of here". We'll go somewhere and get really high. Then we'll get pulled over by the cops for me not having my vehicle lights on. I'll explain to them how I just got the car and how I coukd still see. They'll let me go because white privilege or something. Then we'll hang out in the parking lot by the river and have existential conversations. Then we'll kiss and everything will be alright. I won't go on meet my ex wife and I'll never be drugged and I'll never say anything hurtful to anyone I care about. I'll realize who I really am and change my major to go into education a lot sooner. You won't feel like you have to move halfway across the world to escape everything. You won't have your heart broken because that evil bitch tricked me into marrying her. I won't get older and become cynical. I won't have a general disdain for society. Hell I might even want kids, and maybe we'll have two of them. I might even teach them when they get to high school or coach their football team. I might not wish the world would just end already. If only. The truth is things like this don't come around for some people at all. Those of us who are lucky only get one chance. I wasted mine. I fell for every one of life's traps to the point where I wasn't even me anymore. Maybe if I'm good and I live right I'll get into heaven and everything will be A ok. Right now though, all I feel is regret and I deserve every bit of it. So lets just get on with the damn show.