Life doesn't get better, it only gets worse
I lost my job again, and the worst part is, I found out from the equipment guy, not my supervisor...actually, she avoided me the whole day despite reaching out a few times. I'm starting to realize, the more I try harder to live, and have a life, the more it's impossible to reach, and easily slips away at my hands. Every good luck that comes my way, always comes out as a joke. I also realized that I don't like any jobs, and I can't work with people.
Truth is, my life has no direction at all. Somewhere along the way, I've lost myself. Now, I'm just pretending, trying to live like a normal human being, like the rest of the world...but I just can't. I'm built different, I'm a non-conformist, and that's probably why I'm so alone. Just me against the world.
Now that I lost my job, and still stuck in this hell hole with the family, it gets even worse. I had another fight with my narc mom (a.k.a the queen of character assassinations, gossips, lies, and smear campaigns) about finances/money/job. I shared with her the news that the store closest to us is having a job fair if she's interested (she's been unemployed for years, and she's in her 60's). I mentioned this because she always play the victim card when it comes to having a job, and money issues, and sometimes brings up my golden child brother, and enabler dad to the conversation who aren't present. My dad is itching to retire and my mom always "feel sorry" for my dad that haven't retired yet but she's the one brainwashing him not to retire.
She then asks me if I applied, I told her my job isn't related to any that was offered, and she should send her resume since she has retail experience (she used to be a store manager). I also told her, you can at least apply for a part time job so there's money coming in, and you guys won't always have to wait for me to give you money (I said this because I can't keep a job, I currently don't have a secure future). She then suddenly became agitated: "I'm too busy cooking and cleaning the house! What about your dad's lunch? Who'll prepare it? Who'll clean the house?", I replied: "Once you get a job, we'll start doing that on our own, everyone's old enough to make their own meals, and to clean the house." (my dad is in late 60s, my brother is in early 40s, and I'm in my 30s). She started shouting: "Your dad, and brother will not agree to this! Were family! Families always help each other! You don't even help in the house! What did you ever contribute? At least I give your dad my pension, and the rent money your brother gives me!" I replied: "That's not even a job! That's charity from the government, and that's brother's money! If you're really concerned about helping dad with money, you'll do something about it, and not rely on me to give you money all the time, you already know my job situation! Back when I had a job, I never missed a day to pay rent! And don't worry about me doing housework as I've been doing that for years." She shouts: "You're the one who should give money! You're young and we're old! What if something happens to me?" I replied: "I have a co-worker that's the same age as you, and she's been in numerous contract jobs. If something happens to you, then you'll end up in the hospital." This actually triggered her and started shouting/rambling. Then I just told her we shouldn't talk anymore since it's going nowhere, but she continued rambling so I just walked out. That last part, I think she's expecting me to say to take care of her...but that's already out the window a long time ago when she turned everyone against me with her lies, and smear campaign. I really hate her.
The next day after this happened, my dad started avoiding me like a plague, no hello nor good mornings, just pure avoidance (he doesn't look me in the face, and avoids going in the same room as me) That moment, I already knew what my mom did. I just can't win at home or at work.
This is a normal day at the house. Nobody outside knows that I'm being singled out, and treated like this in my own home. Even if anyone knew about it, no one can relate. Everyone sees us as the picture perfect family but those are all lies. If this relationship with my family isn't toxic, I don't know what is. People will probably hate, and judge me because I don't give my family money despite living with them but that's because I'm in deep pain emotionally, and I only get to keep that to myself. I never get mad without reason, and I also can't trust them with money because of the fact that they didn't save any retirement money so they can only rely on us, so what does that tell you about them? I'm so tired, and hurt, and they don't even acknowledge the fact that they've hurt me plenty of times behind my back. It's all "You're a bad daughter! No one likes you, and nobody in the family is like you! You're evil!". She's damn right. I'm nothing like them. I am my own person. They don't know anything about me. The only person who knows me is myself.
I need a job, I need to get out so bad. I've been saying that for more than 10 years already, and yet I can't keep one. Someone just kill me, and end my pain. I'm just too drained to deal with all these things at once, I can't even catch my breath. I would be willing to pay anyone to kill me so I can be free from this prison. I just can't take it anymore.
Truth is, my life has no direction at all. Somewhere along the way, I've lost myself. Now, I'm just pretending, trying to live like a normal human being, like the rest of the world...but I just can't. I'm built different, I'm a non-conformist, and that's probably why I'm so alone. Just me against the world.
Now that I lost my job, and still stuck in this hell hole with the family, it gets even worse. I had another fight with my narc mom (a.k.a the queen of character assassinations, gossips, lies, and smear campaigns) about finances/money/job. I shared with her the news that the store closest to us is having a job fair if she's interested (she's been unemployed for years, and she's in her 60's). I mentioned this because she always play the victim card when it comes to having a job, and money issues, and sometimes brings up my golden child brother, and enabler dad to the conversation who aren't present. My dad is itching to retire and my mom always "feel sorry" for my dad that haven't retired yet but she's the one brainwashing him not to retire.
She then asks me if I applied, I told her my job isn't related to any that was offered, and she should send her resume since she has retail experience (she used to be a store manager). I also told her, you can at least apply for a part time job so there's money coming in, and you guys won't always have to wait for me to give you money (I said this because I can't keep a job, I currently don't have a secure future). She then suddenly became agitated: "I'm too busy cooking and cleaning the house! What about your dad's lunch? Who'll prepare it? Who'll clean the house?", I replied: "Once you get a job, we'll start doing that on our own, everyone's old enough to make their own meals, and to clean the house." (my dad is in late 60s, my brother is in early 40s, and I'm in my 30s). She started shouting: "Your dad, and brother will not agree to this! Were family! Families always help each other! You don't even help in the house! What did you ever contribute? At least I give your dad my pension, and the rent money your brother gives me!" I replied: "That's not even a job! That's charity from the government, and that's brother's money! If you're really concerned about helping dad with money, you'll do something about it, and not rely on me to give you money all the time, you already know my job situation! Back when I had a job, I never missed a day to pay rent! And don't worry about me doing housework as I've been doing that for years." She shouts: "You're the one who should give money! You're young and we're old! What if something happens to me?" I replied: "I have a co-worker that's the same age as you, and she's been in numerous contract jobs. If something happens to you, then you'll end up in the hospital." This actually triggered her and started shouting/rambling. Then I just told her we shouldn't talk anymore since it's going nowhere, but she continued rambling so I just walked out. That last part, I think she's expecting me to say to take care of her...but that's already out the window a long time ago when she turned everyone against me with her lies, and smear campaign. I really hate her.
The next day after this happened, my dad started avoiding me like a plague, no hello nor good mornings, just pure avoidance (he doesn't look me in the face, and avoids going in the same room as me) That moment, I already knew what my mom did. I just can't win at home or at work.
This is a normal day at the house. Nobody outside knows that I'm being singled out, and treated like this in my own home. Even if anyone knew about it, no one can relate. Everyone sees us as the picture perfect family but those are all lies. If this relationship with my family isn't toxic, I don't know what is. People will probably hate, and judge me because I don't give my family money despite living with them but that's because I'm in deep pain emotionally, and I only get to keep that to myself. I never get mad without reason, and I also can't trust them with money because of the fact that they didn't save any retirement money so they can only rely on us, so what does that tell you about them? I'm so tired, and hurt, and they don't even acknowledge the fact that they've hurt me plenty of times behind my back. It's all "You're a bad daughter! No one likes you, and nobody in the family is like you! You're evil!". She's damn right. I'm nothing like them. I am my own person. They don't know anything about me. The only person who knows me is myself.
I need a job, I need to get out so bad. I've been saying that for more than 10 years already, and yet I can't keep one. Someone just kill me, and end my pain. I'm just too drained to deal with all these things at once, I can't even catch my breath. I would be willing to pay anyone to kill me so I can be free from this prison. I just can't take it anymore.
36-40, F
