I promised I’d give my baby a better life than I had
I’m sitting in my little, empty apartment.. This is where I decided who I would become, for my baby then later, for myself.
There’s an echo to it.
Every nook and cranny has a flashback: my baby’s first steps, first words, first everything. I see her room transform from toddler toys to a tween den. I see softly lit Christmas trees, our homemade bunny cakes, and a giggling Kiddo hanging skeletons. I see the nights my pastels and paints were sprawled across the floor. I see all the frantic mornings shuffling us out the door as I hurry to class, trying, learning how to get my sh!t together. I see all our dinners and movie nights in the living room cuddled up on interchanging couches. I see all the goodies we baked together in the kitchen. I laugh at the huge burn mark on the linoleum from when I first moved that I’ve been hiding with various rugs for years. I see all the faces that have come and gone. We had play dates. We made music and art. We ate good food. We made this ghetto colorful and dreamy.
We found laughter through the darkness.
We filled these rooms with hope and inspiration.
I see .. myself growing up within these walls, from an artsy, shattered, lost, but determined girl with so much healing to do to the more grounded, focused, confident, capable woman I am today. I see myself laying on the living room floor crying alone for hours then numbness.. I pull myself off the ground only because there were things to do.. only because my baby needed me.
I’d chosen to be a mother. I am the reason she is alive and I owed a good life to her.
It was a very long first year.
Hell, it was a very long 8 years.
And now.. it’s almost over. The last three years have been pretty wonderful in their way despite everything going on in the world. Kiddo is so happy about the new house and this next chapter of all our lives. Granted, John is mostly the reason for this big change. He’s amazing. I love him so much and feel so blessed to have the relationship that we do. Still, none of this would be happening if I hadn’t kept at all the hard work on myself and my life. It’s always been for kiddo’s sake.
I am sitting with my past terrified self in this left space.
I am whispering through time,
“We did it”
There’s an echo to it.
Every nook and cranny has a flashback: my baby’s first steps, first words, first everything. I see her room transform from toddler toys to a tween den. I see softly lit Christmas trees, our homemade bunny cakes, and a giggling Kiddo hanging skeletons. I see the nights my pastels and paints were sprawled across the floor. I see all the frantic mornings shuffling us out the door as I hurry to class, trying, learning how to get my sh!t together. I see all our dinners and movie nights in the living room cuddled up on interchanging couches. I see all the goodies we baked together in the kitchen. I laugh at the huge burn mark on the linoleum from when I first moved that I’ve been hiding with various rugs for years. I see all the faces that have come and gone. We had play dates. We made music and art. We ate good food. We made this ghetto colorful and dreamy.
We found laughter through the darkness.
We filled these rooms with hope and inspiration.
I see .. myself growing up within these walls, from an artsy, shattered, lost, but determined girl with so much healing to do to the more grounded, focused, confident, capable woman I am today. I see myself laying on the living room floor crying alone for hours then numbness.. I pull myself off the ground only because there were things to do.. only because my baby needed me.
I’d chosen to be a mother. I am the reason she is alive and I owed a good life to her.
It was a very long first year.
Hell, it was a very long 8 years.
And now.. it’s almost over. The last three years have been pretty wonderful in their way despite everything going on in the world. Kiddo is so happy about the new house and this next chapter of all our lives. Granted, John is mostly the reason for this big change. He’s amazing. I love him so much and feel so blessed to have the relationship that we do. Still, none of this would be happening if I hadn’t kept at all the hard work on myself and my life. It’s always been for kiddo’s sake.
I am sitting with my past terrified self in this left space.
I am whispering through time,
“We did it”
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