Todays Journal

i am lying in the street with my back against everything. I am lost and hungry but I remind myself that i've starved before and you can actually go a very long time without eating; man being part snake and all. I don't know what i'm doing or what i'm looking for i just know that i'm starving to death for something that has nothing to do with my belly. Is it because i secretly want to die or am i just searching for enlightenment. Do i even still believe that humans are enlightened creatures? We all seem like a sorry saught of monkeys to me.. well, most of us do anyway. There are some that i feel still hold the torch of humanity but their lives seem pointless and unfulfilling. Sometimes i want to fck everything and experience everything and sometimes I just want to be buried deep inside the earth and feel nothing again. I also just want to feel normal and have a normal life like i see everyone else doing. But that shit has never been my life. This is my life that rock on the ground and the dirt surrounding it and the book and cup of coffee next to my knee and my thoughts that sometimes race effortlessly and sometimes there's not a thought in my head even when I try to give birth to one. What is man anyways what am i and what the hell even is that. Lol for anyone that understands that; i'll give you a hint, " Daddy chill." i don't know why i wrote this i don't know why i'm doing anything at all.

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Punches · 46-50, F

I also just want to feel normal and have a normal life like i see everyone else doing.

A lot of times when people look like they are leading a "normal" life it is just a show.

Lostpoet · M

@Punches I hope that's true. But i've also been scared to death of having my parents kind of life. I think i'd rather be single than have the kind of relationship i saw my parents having growing up.

Punches · 46-50, F

@Lostpoet
People have to actively seek a partner and to marry. When people get married, they give up so much in exchange for so little. Being married is no guarantee of an end to loneliness. We see that discussed here often.

I am guessing you are lonely and all that and I am too. However, when one does not have a "partner" it means they do not have to deal with someone else's BS. Better to be alone and lonely than partnered and miserable.

Your parents may have just stayed together for the sake of the kids.

Lostpoet · M

@Punches I think it was more religion and after we grew up my parents seemed to have gotten a lot closer together. I think having a big family with both of them working really drained them and they'd been married for like 15 years and had ten kids before i even came along so i definitely missed out seeing there anniversary years.

Punches · 46-50, F

@Lostpoet Having kids puts a huge strain on a marriage. I mean it is not the kid's fault. It's just that trying to raise them is stressful.