More tears than I can even count anymore.

It seems like everything upsets me. I can’t watch anything anymore without it setting me off and making my daily life feel like a hell I can’t escape. I’m constantly falling further into an abysmal mindset. 😔 I sometimes wish nature would just decide that my life is done. I’ve had a few strokes nothing lately but the only thing that I can imagine making my life worse is losing half my body functions again. I’ve never been lower than I feel now but I’m sure that I was when I lost my right side for a few moments and another time when I lost all use of my right hand from pinching my ulnar nerve in my sleep. I just want a little break from my pain but I don’t know if I’m going to need surgery again and I have to get a new CT scan and a bone scan for my most recent doctor as he saw something on my MRI that concerns him. A spot where I should be fused but it isn’t showing that I am and so more scans and my next appointment is so far away (November) which is almost exactly 17 years since my original spinal fusion surgery and I am on a cancellation list so hopefully I can get in sooner but I just can’t imagine having to face another surgery. I will need a few opinions at least as well as I’m supposed to lower my meds dosages so that I can even get a surgery or they won’t be able to do anything for me because my body won’t respond to their anesthesia. 😔 I just don’t want to be me anymore. I’m stuck I can’t do anything that would hurt my parents and my sister and my niece and nephews but I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. 😔