Scars in my soul
Unfortunately, I feel that my trust in my family has been ruined for life. Over the years, i have used the mechanism of pushing them away, to create some space and independence for myself.
Now, I feel that any interaction they have with me, they just want to remain in touch to keep tabs on me.. I may be mistaken. I may be paranoid.. Maybe they just want to renew our relationship, but the thing is, I find it difficult to believe that they learned how to respect my freedom to do anything and everything I want.. That they REALLY realise that I am an adult entitled to make ALL my decisions, and that they won't try to interfere with my life, if they have the chance. I also know that had I been weaker or dependent on them, they might have controlled me.
Really, I do not want to be a person with bad intentions, assuming the bad in people.. My siblings are not all bad, and this is the main reason I feel bad when I put obstacles in the way between me and them.. but I can't help how I feel about their interactions.. I always feel they want to keep in touch just to control me.. and if I am mistaken about this, then it is not entirely my fault that i am feeling this way, because our past is probably what led me to having these feelings.. The thing is, there was a time when I was much closer to my family, but that had the downside of them interfering in my life, asking questions, and thinking that they have a bigger role and rights.. In my culture, family interference is the norm and is a right, no matter how old you get, this is why I feel how I feel.. that they are convinced it is their right..
I am thinking, maybe once I am away in another country, only then I will trust to strengthen my relationship with them.. I hope being in a more liberated place provides me with confidence, and helps me feel more secure and courageous to live life as I wish and to not feel the need to push people to protect myself, but just give them the choice to leave if they don't like it ... I hope my move would mend some of the scars in my soul.
Now, I feel that any interaction they have with me, they just want to remain in touch to keep tabs on me.. I may be mistaken. I may be paranoid.. Maybe they just want to renew our relationship, but the thing is, I find it difficult to believe that they learned how to respect my freedom to do anything and everything I want.. That they REALLY realise that I am an adult entitled to make ALL my decisions, and that they won't try to interfere with my life, if they have the chance. I also know that had I been weaker or dependent on them, they might have controlled me.
Really, I do not want to be a person with bad intentions, assuming the bad in people.. My siblings are not all bad, and this is the main reason I feel bad when I put obstacles in the way between me and them.. but I can't help how I feel about their interactions.. I always feel they want to keep in touch just to control me.. and if I am mistaken about this, then it is not entirely my fault that i am feeling this way, because our past is probably what led me to having these feelings.. The thing is, there was a time when I was much closer to my family, but that had the downside of them interfering in my life, asking questions, and thinking that they have a bigger role and rights.. In my culture, family interference is the norm and is a right, no matter how old you get, this is why I feel how I feel.. that they are convinced it is their right..
I am thinking, maybe once I am away in another country, only then I will trust to strengthen my relationship with them.. I hope being in a more liberated place provides me with confidence, and helps me feel more secure and courageous to live life as I wish and to not feel the need to push people to protect myself, but just give them the choice to leave if they don't like it ... I hope my move would mend some of the scars in my soul.
31-35, F
