When I was a kid all the way up until my late 20s I was intimidated by people who came from happy, healthy homes
I thought I had gotten over it, but I guess that insecure, little whisper is still there a bit afraid they’ll decide I am too weird, too damaged, not enough to be welcomed.
I’m trying to examine this feeling with curiosity rather than pushing it down.
When I was younger I would glam up that insecurity by judging them before they could judge me: they were too mainstream. They couldn’t think for themselves. They were sellouts. They were superficial. At best, they wouldn’t be able to relate/connect to my traumas and adversity.
I told myself they wouldn’t be able to see me, connect to me, so I alienated myself, not just by my unusual experiences or all of the long black dresses, but mainly by being unfriendly.
As I got older, I outgrew those presumptions, but I still felt tarnished.. unworthy of friends, a partner, and their friends, their families who had their shit together.
If one of them tried to get close to me I would hide.
Something about my 30s put a lot of all that to rest. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and on my life. Most of the time I feel pretty good about how far I’ve come, the path I’m on, and the trajectory.
SO yesterday I meet up with some other local moms so that my tween can meet a few kids before they start their new school this year. The moms were friendly and relaxed, but there were times I felt so small. They had all been with their husbands for a long time. They bought their nice, new homes years ago. They all had their kids in some kind of private tutoring, private lessons, sports, music etc. they were all settled into their careers. And.. it’s a little funny.. Here I am in a genuinely wonderful relationship with a man who had become my best friend. We are very fortunate to have a harmonious blended family coming together. We’re about to move into a beautiful home with everything about it that we hoped for. My kiddo is making friends and excited about their next chapter.. I am starting my second year of grad school with near guarantee that I’ll have a solid, moderately well-paying career waiting for me after graduation…
And.. I guess some part of me still feels.. haunted, not good enough to be there. 🤔 I wonder what it would take for me to not feel like a stranger in a strange land?
I can relate to this, you expressed things in such a grounding way. I have similar feelings. In the past i used to feel so alienated around 'normal' people that I would immediately reject them and keep my distance and make it seem that I am doing this out of pride rather than.. inability/or great difficulty to establish connections.. I can't say with such confidence that I have removed myself from such relating patterns. It seems though that those people do genuinely want to connect with you, and are truly interested in making connections and learning about others stories and differences. They might surprise you too with what they're hiding!! And as a self-healer, you might aid in them to accept more of their dark pallette, in time. Think of cultivating, nurturing, honouring and celebrating them..(i know you already know, this is a gentle reminder..:)) And finally, give them a chance to get to know you, i am sure they will be amazed by some of your stories! Do not overwhelm them though straight from the beginning LOL i've been guilty of that.. give them time and give yourself time to gracefully unfold and I am certain they will appreciate what You have to offer 🤗❤️
I totally can understand this whole thing that you just explained. But the thing is, all families and individuals, even those that seem almost perfect in your eyes, have their own issues and struggles, and you don't see that side. Some people might believe you have a perfect life as well, and they don't know about your difficulties and struggles.
