How to re-build a shattered identity…?
Hey, long story short.
I went off the school about 3-5 years ago in another city… I think that’s where things began to wither away for me… Before then, I was in a committed relationship (I think), somewhat of a star child, smart, intellectual, motivated, driven, etc. all scholarships and music and knowledge.. then, once on my own for the first time…
Dropped out, broke up with a girlfriend of about 6 1/2 years, lost roommates, my mind, some reputation, (quasi-homeless), only to come “back” home to a family that doesn’t know me. While away at school I was studying, partying, drinking, drugs, etc. But maintained school and education as a priority..
Came back with a completely different mindset (more knowledge, but extra confusion, shame, loneliness, isolation, went heavy into drug abuse, and had a hard time dealing with life.
Sickness had got to me, Covid had just outbroke, and life was transitioning again before I could even wrestle with all that I went through and lost..
I went out to Austin and lived there for a few months, which led me to a mental breakdown, a bad trip, more chaos and confusion, and wound me back home by about January of 2021.
My grandmother started having medical issues and so, I started going back to church at a local church where my uncle is a pastor..
Around the same time February or so, I met a single mother at this church and went through 2 rounds of marriage counseling, and a whole host of other experiences.
Now… somehow.. I have about a year left of school, my grandmother is still in and out of the hospital and rehabilitation clinics, my uncle (the pastor) is kicked everyone out of his house, (which we’ve all lived since I was born) (kicking out me, my grandmother, my brother, and anyone else that has even lived with us) (previously kicking out my mother and other uncle…)
Now, the single mother I was speaking to has stopped speaking to me because of things with this uncle and my life period..
Also, I moved in with some friends but… it’s just different and all together somehow better but worse… I’m just sorta lost in life, idk what to do, idk what tomorrow will bring, and that’s okay, that’s life.. but I don’t have much stability and not much (especially regarding my family and people) make sense… honestly I feel as if I’m the problem and one to blame for my many mistakes in school. But also, my mistakes in life, none of my family members understand or even speak about any of this, and all tell me to pray and that everything will be fine, but I’m just sorta lost on what to functionally and practically do.. I go to work, but motivation for anything has long since gone.
I stopped smoking herb, only to pick up black and molds as a replacement (the single mother I was with smokes them, so I ended up dabbling…
#newaddictions..
Stopped performing and all slowly crawling back into my shell..
I think I need friends and maybe just to get out of my own mind for a while.. but don’t quite know where to go or what to actually do…
Anybody have advice or would like to talk?…
Anything is appreciated and what do I do with these emotions and experiences?…
I went off the school about 3-5 years ago in another city… I think that’s where things began to wither away for me… Before then, I was in a committed relationship (I think), somewhat of a star child, smart, intellectual, motivated, driven, etc. all scholarships and music and knowledge.. then, once on my own for the first time…
Dropped out, broke up with a girlfriend of about 6 1/2 years, lost roommates, my mind, some reputation, (quasi-homeless), only to come “back” home to a family that doesn’t know me. While away at school I was studying, partying, drinking, drugs, etc. But maintained school and education as a priority..
Came back with a completely different mindset (more knowledge, but extra confusion, shame, loneliness, isolation, went heavy into drug abuse, and had a hard time dealing with life.
Sickness had got to me, Covid had just outbroke, and life was transitioning again before I could even wrestle with all that I went through and lost..
I went out to Austin and lived there for a few months, which led me to a mental breakdown, a bad trip, more chaos and confusion, and wound me back home by about January of 2021.
My grandmother started having medical issues and so, I started going back to church at a local church where my uncle is a pastor..
Around the same time February or so, I met a single mother at this church and went through 2 rounds of marriage counseling, and a whole host of other experiences.
Now… somehow.. I have about a year left of school, my grandmother is still in and out of the hospital and rehabilitation clinics, my uncle (the pastor) is kicked everyone out of his house, (which we’ve all lived since I was born) (kicking out me, my grandmother, my brother, and anyone else that has even lived with us) (previously kicking out my mother and other uncle…)
Now, the single mother I was speaking to has stopped speaking to me because of things with this uncle and my life period..
Also, I moved in with some friends but… it’s just different and all together somehow better but worse… I’m just sorta lost in life, idk what to do, idk what tomorrow will bring, and that’s okay, that’s life.. but I don’t have much stability and not much (especially regarding my family and people) make sense… honestly I feel as if I’m the problem and one to blame for my many mistakes in school. But also, my mistakes in life, none of my family members understand or even speak about any of this, and all tell me to pray and that everything will be fine, but I’m just sorta lost on what to functionally and practically do.. I go to work, but motivation for anything has long since gone.
I stopped smoking herb, only to pick up black and molds as a replacement (the single mother I was with smokes them, so I ended up dabbling…
#newaddictions..
Stopped performing and all slowly crawling back into my shell..
I think I need friends and maybe just to get out of my own mind for a while.. but don’t quite know where to go or what to actually do…
Anybody have advice or would like to talk?…
Anything is appreciated and what do I do with these emotions and experiences?…
26-30, M
